The Calendar

Yesterday I saw my grandson at my father's 95th birthday party. I took his hand and walked him into my sister's house. As we were walking, swinging hands, he told me that he had a new calendar. He said it came with stickers. There were smiley faces and frowns. At the end of each day, you put a sticker on the calendar to reflect how the day went. He told me that he was going to put a smile on the day. I said that was great because it meant he was happy to be at great grandpa's party. He said the smiley face was not for that. It was because he saw me.

Happy 95th

Today is my father's 95th birthday. He is still able to enjoy life. He lives in his own home during the week and comes to be with me and my sister for the weekends. He is the same jovial man we all know in public. In private he still grieves for my mother. His grieving will never end. I once heard that it takes 1/2 of the time of the relationship to grieve and move on. That would make him about 134. We are having a party for him today with close family. He is looking so forward to it. He told all of his friends at dialysis that his kids are making a big celebration and what wonderful children he has. In some way, I am sure that my mother will be there but I do not know how she will show us her presence. She loved him too much to not show up.

Perfect Family

The perfect American family used to be a mother, a father, one son, one daughter, one dog and a house with a picket fence. I want to recreate the perfect American family. It needs to be an extended family consisting of all of the above criteria, but then I want to add to it. It needs to be a five family core. Within that core group there need to be one of each of the following:
One doctor
One lawyer
One plumber
One electrician
One accountant
One handyman
Out of the ten adults in the core, the jobs can be held by either men or women. That leaves four slots open for stay at home moms or any extra occupations that will add to society. If you need help, there will always be a family member to look out for you. Of course, there would be no payment made to them because they are your family. This would make the society a kibsocdem society. This stands for part kibbutz, part socialism and part democracy. Everyone's needs would be met.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

I try to stay away from political discussions. I know my opinions and do not have to defend them to other people. As the expressions says, "You do you and I'll do me". I was watching the news yesterday and it seems that one political party wants to change the way our justice system runs. They want it to be, "Guilty until you prove yourself innocent". I thought it was, "Innocent until proven guilty". I cannot defend anyone's actions without knowing the full story. I remember reading about the Salem Witch Hunt and I see it happening all over again. One person claims something and everyone else jumps on the bandwagon. The stories become more outlandish as they grow, like a game of telephone. What started off as a 15 year old possibly touching a female, is now escalating into gang rape. Soon it will be murder. Next genocide. Where will it end? I think I will tell my grandchildren to sit out recess. They may be accused of violence 30 years later if they push someone in the sandbox.

#We All Die Anyway So Who Really Cares

I have my own hashtag thought. #we all die anyway so who really cares. I am tired of all of the world's quibbling and fighting. We have gone from a Puritanical society to a free spirited society and are adjusting back to the Puritanical side. Actions that were commonplace in the "Free 60's", "Wild 70's" and "Disco 80's" are now being scrutinized. They were acceptable and common place then.The rules changed 30 years later when the actions could no longer be adjusted. If a group of disgruntled people were to put anyone's life, who lived in those decades, under a microscope, they would find something. I once insulted a girl after playing tag. I hope that never comes up publicly. When a group of people have a vendetta and an agenda, no one is safe.

Louder But Not Correct

Yesterday I was screamed at by a patient's mother. We have a strict "no show" policy. If you miss an appointment or call in to cancel at the last minute, you still pay. You have the option of a phone session as the time belongs to you. One young girl has cancelled late three times. For the first two we did not charge, but documented that she cannot do it again. The third time we charged the full fee. The reason she canceled was that her phone broke. She was not sick or delayed by traffic. Her phone broke and she wanted to get it fixed. When her mother called, I explained the policy. She flew out of control screaming like a wild woman. At that point I put her on speaker phone so everyone could hear her vile words. This way I had back up when she tries to lie about the conversation. I let her vent uninterrupted, but she was still not happy. After calling the doctor a "child with no discretion" I ended the conversation. I called the director and documented the call. I will hold firm on the charge. Had she spoken softly and kindly I would have refunded her money, but made it clear, directly to the mother, that this was the last time I could do this. When she lost control, I gained power.

Recipe

I cannot wait to eat dinner. Last night I recreated one of my favorite dishes. All of my food network television watching finally paid off. I was able to figure out what ingredients go into a dish. The result was so similar that I was impressed. When I watch the shows and they say that they are adding "a little salt", they mean 1/8 cup. I used to think a little meant a sprinkle. I usually never add pepper but they think it is essential. I learned that for Caribbean flavors I should add cumin. I baked the dish for four hours to make it tender. When it was done cooking at 8pm, I took a taste and had to hold myself back from eating the entire dish. Now I have something to look forward to later.

Winter Atire

Today is the day I switch gears. I have officially worn pants and a long sleeve top. Summer is over. I tried to wait until the last minute to open up my winter closet but I finally had to give in. By changing wardrobes I am also changing gears. The winter mindset has appeared. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting at the pool but it has been weeks. Everywhere I go I am seeing orange and brown. No more red, white and blue. I had a long upsetting year but hopefully this one will bring a clear mind and happy thoughts.

One Moment

One moment can change your life. Every day as I read the internet news, I see stories that could have had a better outcome if the person had only taken one moment to think before they acted. If you want to take a daring picture, take a moment and look around to see if you are safe. If you are fighting with another person, take a moment to think what the penalty would be if you carry through with your actions. If you are saying something that can be misconstrued, take a moment to clarify the thought. All it takes is one moment to change the direction from bad to good.

Carrying On

My sister and I are carrying on the traditions of our parents. Every year at the holidays, my parents visited their parents at the cemeteries. They stood at the gravesites and told their parents about the previous year. They then cleaned up any debris around the site. This year my mother is gone and my father is not walking well. We decided to spend the afternoon doing what our mom and dad did for so many years. We visited the family. When all was said and done, we went to 2 cemeteries and cleaned 15 graves. As we walked along, we saw family members that we had not thought of in years. We stopped, said hello, and cleaned. It was not sad. It was beautiful. Just the thought that I was standing in front of my great grandparent's graves, remembering them, was touching. They will never be forgotten. What we did yesterday was honor our ancestors in the best way we could.

Convenient Shot

It is almost flu season and time for my yearly immunization. Years ago I would call my doctor's office to make sure that they had the vials of medication. Some years they were on back order. I would call every few days. Next I would make an appointment for a visit and wait for a while to be seen. Things are now more convenient. The other day I was food shopping across the parking lot from Rite Aide. I saw a flu shot sign. I walked in, said I wanted a shot, signed a form and sat down. Within a minute the pharmacist came over with an injection and three seconds later I was done. The entire procedure took less than five minutes. My doctor lost a patient visit and I gained extra time.

Sad Day

Today is Yom Kippur. It is the first one without my mother. Last night I said prayers and lit a candle for her. I contemplated writing my blog this morning and then asked myself what my mother would want me to do. She would have wanted me to go on about my day in the usual manner in a happy frame of mind. She was always an upBEAt person who never dwelled on the negative. Tomorrow I will go to see her and visit the rest of my relatives. No one will be forgotten.

One

Yom Kippur begins tonight at sunset. This is the first year that I will light a candle for a family member. I used to have the candles in my closet for my husbands parents. Over the years, he stopped lighting them. If I did not remind him to light them, he never would have. I realized that he needed to be the one to remember them and if he did not, I would not pick up the slack for him. This year I will light a candle for my mother. I looked in my cabinet and saw that there were no candles. I went to the supermarket yesterday to get one. As I walked in the aisle I could see that the shelf where the candles would have been was empty except for one lone candle. Just one. It was sitting in the middle of the empty shelf waiting for me. It was as if it was waiting for me to take it home, almost like it expected me to come and get it. I will light it tonight to remember my dear mother. Her light will shine in my heart forever.

Hidden Items

We all have drawers or cabinets that have hidden items. They were not intended to be hidden, they just made their way to the back of the space as more important things were placed in front. This morning I needed to look for something and climbed onto a chair to look in the back of a top kitchen cabinet. I found new sponges, dishwashing tablets, a nice pitcher and beautiful drinking glasses that I had not seen in 30 years. It felt like I was on a  shopping spree. Maybe later today I will look in other cabinets and see what other hidden treasure lie within them.

Winter Routine

Today starts the winter routine. Instead of spending Sundays at the pool with my father, we will go back to Brooklyn, grocery shop and have lunch. We are trying to break up the week up for him with different activities. His weekday routine needs to remain the same so by mixing things up a bit on the weekends, we feel that it will keep his mind off of sad thoughts.

Supply and Demand

The only way that something actually has value is if someone else will pay you for it. You could own the crown jewels but if no one wants to buy them from you, all you have are shiny stones. Supply and demand also factors in. I found this out last week. My mother in law was a collector of figurines. She loved Royal Doultans and Lladros. Women of her age group bought them like they were status symbols. Some were worth more than others. Everyone wanted the Balloon Lady as she was very colorful. For years they were worth hundreds of dollars each. As her generation passed away, the next generation did not look at the statues with much admiration. They were colorful dust collectors. They began to be sold to antique dealers who scooped them up at fairly good prices. As they years went on and more were sold from estates, the field got flooded. Antique stores stopped buying them because there was not a big market for them. The value plunged. Statues that were once hundreds of dollars are being sold for $30 meaning that the dealer must buy them for $10. Tastes change and with that so does something's worth.

Cap Locks

I never use the cap lock option. I write like a normal person using upper case and lower case letters when necessary. People that use cap lock are lazy. They write in all uppercase like they are yelling. For the past few weeks in work, I have been updating the data system to look correct. It has been a mish mosh of letters for the past 10 years. There are over 3500 accounts to fix and so far I am up to "s". This morning I began to write my blog, which was going to be on a totally different topic and when I read it , iT lOOKED lIKE tHIS, so I got thrown off. My husband is a cap lock offender.

Perception

How we interpret things leads to our beliefs. I can look at something one way and you can see it another. A while back I saw someone wearing a hat. I asked where they got it and they said it was from Denali Park and Preserve in Alaska. I said that is was nice but I wondered why Denali Park would sell hats with a chai symbol. The woman said that it was a picture of a moose, which would make perfect sense. She took off the hat and looked closely at it and said that it did look like the chai symbol. In fact it looked more like a chai than a moose. Since my mind had the reference of a chai, that is what I saw. People who do not have that reference would see a stick figure of a moose. I think it is funny now to think that there are thousands of Alaskans walking around wearing a Jewish symbol on their head.

Virtual Greetings

This year I received many New Year texts wishing my family a happy and healthy holiday. It just dawned on me that New Year's greeting cards have phased out. Years ago, at the holiday season, we all sent out small greeting cards to family and friends. I would write a stack of them and receive that same amount back. Every year I would weed out some people if I did not receive one back the previous year. The pile got smaller and smaller until there were none. Other people that I spoke to about this did the same. I can't remember how long ago it was when the last of the cards were sent. I still have a few new cards in my card box and I know they will remain there forever.

The Tear

I know what my tears look like. I know what my tears feel like. I even know what they taste like. I never knew what they sounded like. I was lying in bed last night thinking about my mother and I began to cry. As I laid there I could feel the tear running down my cheek. Then I heard it. A loud, solid pluck. Like a raindrop. Then came another. Plunk. Then another. Plunk. They were strong heavy sounds. They had weight to them. The weight of my heart was contained in each tear. The heaviness that I feel every day for months was audible. It made the tears come alive and real. That sound will be with me for a long time.

Tired But Happy

I am tired but in a good way. Last night I hosted the holiday dinner and everything went well. The food was great and so was the company. It was a good mix of guests. Some knew each other and some knew of each other. In the end everyone felt like they had new friends. We ate, laughed and enjoyed the children. I had so much left over food that I made goody bags for everyone to take home. I never judge correctly. I bought five chickens and only needed two. Every other tray was half full. I will have dinner for days. The memories will last forever. The first holiday without my mother is done. I thought of her all day so in a way she was right there with me.

5779

This evening begins the Jewish New Year. It starts a 10 day period of introspection and repentance. It ends with Yom Kippur. I am preparing the Rosh Hashanah dinner for my family. I cooked many dishes yesterday and will make more today. Family and friends will also add to the meal. I am not a religious person, but I am an ethnic traditionalist. I just made that word up. It sums up how I live my life when it comes to religion. I am 99.7% Ashkenazi Jew. The other .3% is Eastern European. I would say that is as full blooded as it comes. I pray every day, but not in the temple. I follow the holidays, but in my own way. I feel my spirituality with every breath I take. I worship my way, not the way that anyone else does. That's what is right for me.

Holiday Prep

Today I will begin to prep for the holiday. I will be having family for the first night of Rosh Hashanah. There will be twenty people so I have a lot of food to prepare. This morning I will shop for most of it and spend part of the day cooking. It will be the first holiday without my mother so I have a bit of a heavy heart. Once people arrive I will be in the holiday spirit. It will be a hard day for my father but I am sure that lively conversation will distract him.

The Apple Cart

One change can upset the apple cart. This is an old expression that still holds true. Yesterday my father had a doctor appointment. It was made for the afternoon when his aide would be with him. The taxi ride was made for two hours after her arrival to have a safe time frame. Unfortunately, the aide called in sick. The replacement aide was told to get to his house at 2pm. The taxi was for 2:30pm. The aide got lost and wound up walking around in 92 degree heat a mile away. The taxi came. The aide was not there. The agency got involved. My dad took the taxi alone. The aide had to take 2 buses to get to the doctor's office to meet him. A whole turmoil happened because someone called in sick at the last moment.

Hiding Spot

Sometimes I am too neat. Everything has its place, but sometimes I forget where that place is. I know what I want but I cannot remember where I put it. That is happening to me today. I have some beautiful stationary and I wanted to print something on it. Too bad I forgot where I put it. If I was not looking for it, it would be in plain sight. Since I am searching for it, it is hiding. I searched where it should be, with the rest of my paper and it is not there. After work, I will look where it should not be and I am sure that I will find it.

Accommodate

If someone is nice you will accommodate their request. When I opened my work mail yesterday, there was a letter from my newest receptionist. She works from 3:30 - 8pm, four days a week. She was requesting to work from 5:30 - 8pm on those days. Normally I would say no because who would cover the desk for the two missing hours? She relocated from Florida to New York with two children and is a single mother. She is a hard worker with the most pleasant demeanor. She moved in with a friend until she found a place of her own. The neighborhood was not a nice one and she did not want her daughters to be there. She has been trying to find her own place but does not have enough money. For whatever reason, and  no one is prying, she is now in a homeless shelter. She was offered a full time job and wants to supplement her income with 10 hours at my office. We all had a meeting and decided to rework the shifts to accommodate her. She is that nice. My boss might create a full time position in the next few months for her. She is an employee worth keeping so we are making sure that we can help her stay.

Last Impression

You could do 99 nice things and 1 nasty thing. The one nasty thing is what will be remembered for a long time. After having a wonderful pool season, we gathered together for one last day. The weather was perfect. People came with snacks and drinks. We swam, sunned ourselves, ate and talked. Just before it was time to pack up and leave, one of the group members decided to do something funny. He moved his chair in front of the "town kvetch's" chair. We all thought this was funny because she fought with strangers all summer over their chairs being too close to hers. When she came out of the pool we all waited for her to laugh. Instead she got all huffy and whisked her chair away, grumbling. We all said that it was a joke but she raved on and on about her unhappiness at the unwelcome chair sitting near her chair. The man apologized to her but she did not accept the apology. His wife apologized to her and she was still unrelenting in her anger. Everyone looked at each other, shook their heads and went on with the last bit of the afternoon. When we packed up to leave and said our final goodbyes, all that was remembered of this lady was her bad attitude at the end of the summer. When it comes time for a summer reunion, her name will not be on the list.

Swan Song

Today is summer's swan song. The final hurrah after a long, hot summer. Even though the actual season still has weeks to go, the last day of the pool season marks the end of summer for me. My mother used to say, "It's going to be a good summer", and it was. I rested my mind and body after a long winter and spring. My sorrow was compartmentalized for private moments. In public I allowed myself to enjoy the days. Tomorrow things go back to a regular schedule. It is amazing how fast ten weeks flew by.

Sunny Days

According to the weather channel, it is supposed to be cloudy all day. Unless I am living in an alternate universe, I see the sun. All week I charted the weather because it is the last week of the pool season. All week I saw clouds and rain. Each day the sun shined brightly. I guess it just shows me to never believe anything unless I see it with my own eyes.

Cloud Watcher

This is the last pool weekend and the weather looks bad. The forecast is for cloudy weather and thunderstorms on Monday. I keep looking at the sky in hopes of the sun breaking through. If it is not pool weather at least one of the day this weekend, no one will have said their summer goodbyes. The final weekend at the pool is for last minute bonding that will carry us through the winter. It is a time for the summer photo shoot. So far, in over 30 years, we have not missed that. Maybe the power of my stare will part the clouds.