Visitation

One of my son's lives out of state. I only see him about four times a year.Sometimes I feel as if I am a divorced parent that has visitation rights. The time we spend together is not natural. Not the kind of time that we would share if he lived here. People take for granted the feeling of just being in someones company without having the day planned. Whether he comes here or I go there, each moment of the visit is scheduled. When do we get up, where do you want to go, what time is dinner. A road map for our time together. If you see someone every day you can have a "comfortable silence". When you see someone once and a while, each second is precious and you try to fill in the time and not waste a moment. But it never feels quite right. I long for the days when he lived here and I could walk by his room and see him watching television. Or sit across from him at the kitchen table as we both ate. Sometimes we never said a word, but it didn't matter. He lived here and I would have the opportunity to speak to him anytime I wished. Our time with each other will never be the same and I just  have to accept that. Maybe one day I will drive to his house and just sit on his couch all day and not talk to him. Like old times.