Scorcher

Yesterday was the first day of a week long heatwave. The temperature hit 90. This week it will stay there and rise even more. I am not a heat person. I am a 72 degree with a breeze person. I am sure I will be at the town pool soaking in the water until my fingers turn prune like. I will be exchanging my oil bill for my air conditioner bill. Summer has arrived.

Walk Through

Later this morning, I will bring my father back to his house for a few hours. I want him to be able to return home for a short time to get used to the house without my mother. When she was in the hospital he was there without her, but he knew she would return. This time she will not. When he goes back home for a few days on Sunday, I want him to have already been there. Today will be an assessment of a different life. He can put  things back into place that were askew when he left. He can make things feel as right as he can. He can sit in her chair and cry if that makes him feel better. Doing this will ease him back into a new routine. I will give him a few hours there and take him back to Long Island for a few more days. I think it will be good for him.

Debbie

I have been thinking of my childhood for the past week. There are so many wonderful memories. Truthfully, I cannot think of even one unpleasant one. Events that had long been forgotten are popping into my head. Of course they all involve my parents. One story came to me as I was laying in bed last night. When I was about eight years old, I got a baby doll named Debbie for my birthday. I still have her on my nightstand. She was so important to me. When I was ten, I went to sleepaway camp. I left Debbie home because I was afraid I would lose her if she made the trip with me. Through letters, I found out that my parents were going on a seven day cruise. I was frantic. Debbie would be alone all week. I was only ten, so I did not think that she was just a doll and it would be fine. On my weekly call home, my mother heard how upset I was. She promised me that Debbie would go with her on the cruise so I had nothing to worry about. On visiting day a week later, my mother brought me pictures of the cruise. I saw Debbie on the ship. I saw Debbie in the Bahamas. I saw Debbie at the Straw Market. She had actually carried Debbie all over in her handbag because she knew how important she was to me. That was my mother.

What's It All About?

I have not returned to work yet. I will probably go tomorrow. The past few days have given me time to contemplate life. Not just my life, but life in general. What is important? What is not important? What is downright trivial. I have separated things out into three categories. When I read the news, I place articles into these categories. The unimportant and trivial categories are weighing down the important ones. Today in your daily life, mentally group what happens. At the end of the day you will see that your time is best spent on the important things and you should let the unimportant and trivial things float away.

Bake Sale

Today is the first day I start to rebuild the life I have known for 62 years. A life without my mother. Shiva is done, the people are gone but the cake remains. I have enough to have a bake sale. Every mourner brought cake. If you do the math, I have fifty cakes at least, some of them large platters. Last night we divided it up. Some went to family, some to friends and some will be brought to everyone's work place. This morning, the hospital where my husband volunteers will be the recipient of three large platters. In a way, that makes me smile. My mother loved cakes and cookies. Maybe that was why she was so sweet. Now many people will join her, in memory, by eating the cakes and cookies that were given to us with kind wishes.

Putting Back The Pieces

Today is the last day we will sit Shiva. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new normal. Things do not just fall into place. You have to carefully put them there. It is like a puzzle. The goal is the correct picture. Some pieces might look like they belong together but the fit is not perfect. Good enough will not work. Calls and paperwork will start the process. The puzzle has hundreds of pieces to it. Tomorrow we will start forming the edges and work our way in.

The Sign

When a loved one passes, we all look for a sign that they are with us. For the past few days, I have been saying to my sister that I have no idea what our sign will be. Some people have butterflies and others have dimes. Some have birds that come to their window. I was not looking for a sign so soon, but still had no idea how I would know. Before my mother died, she had a mark on her cheek. It was a red blood spot that she kept picking at, without thinking. My sister and I would constantly say, "Stop picking" and a moment later she would do it again. It became a running routine. This morning I went to get more milk and I left the house without any makeup on. I turned on the car and looked in the sunvisor mirror. Out of nowhere I saw a red blood spot on my cheek in the exact same place where her's was. It just appeared. A minute later the car radio started to play the Aretha Franklin song, " I Say A Little Prayer For You". The first line is, "Each morning I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you". Was it a sign or just my mind playing a trick on me?"

Let It Bea

Yesterday was my mother's funeral. All things considered, it was a beautiful day. The weather was a perfect 72 degrees with a mild breeze. Family and friends were there to give their last respects. She looked as beautiful in death as she had in life. She looked like my mother again and not the frail woman I had been looking at for the past few weeks. My last vision of her was with her hair done the way she always wore it and her makeup perfect. I had requested that her nails be polished the color that I had always put on her when I did her monthly manicure. My request was granted. For some reason it was very important to me to see her hands look good. I guess it was because giving her manicures and pedicures was our time to talk and bond. At the Shiva yesterday, my brother in law said that today's blog should be titled, "Let It Bea", in memory of her name. He really hit the nail on the head. That phrase summed her up so well. She always did "let things be". She was not a fighter. She was kind and forgiving. Unimportant things did not rile her up. If there was a choice to be angry or upset at a situation, she would take the kind route and let it be. She will be forever missed.

Shattered

I always say that I have written this blog every day for 7 years without missing a day. I can no longer say that. I missed yesterday. I was going to miss today, but my husband said to write, because it would be cathartic for me. Okay, he did not use the word cathartic. He said good for you. My mother passed away Wednesday, June 20, 2018. I have not stopped crying since then. She was 94 and not well for the past few months. We had many weeks to say our goodbyes, but it is never enough. How many "I love yous" can be said? The number is infinite. I am still saying it, but she is no longer here to hear it. Today is the funeral and it seems surreal. How can my mother not be there? It was always the four of us through thick and thin, me, my sister, my mother and my father. I never heard a bad word out of her mouth. She was always kind and caring and just an overall pleasant person. When they say that someone does not have a bad bone in their body, it sums her up. Smiling until the end. I know that everyone eventually goes through this and everyone loves their family as much as I do, but that does not diminish my pain. I know she will be with us forever. She isn't gone, she is just not here.

Free Ear

Does therapy really help? Yesterday I was talking to one of our long time patients. She has been coming to my office two times a week since I have been there which is going on 15 years. That adds up to about 1500 therapy sessions. Even though she is in her 50's, she is on Medicare. She still works part time and is very personable. Her visits are free because of Medicare so she does not have to worry about paying. At this point it seems like she is having a visit with a friend. She comes in, chats and leaves. What could her therapy goal be if after 1500 sessions she has not met it? We have quite a few patients that are long term like her. For some people, therapy is just an hour of talking to someone, like most people do with a friend or family. It is a free ear to listen to you. Is a million dollars of listening time worth it to the taxpayers?

Happy Birthday

This morning my eyes popped open at 1:34am. Thirty seven years ago today, my older son was born. When I saw the time, I envisioned that moment when a nurse placed him in my arms. I remember his light blue eyes staring at me. It was the best moment of my life. I wish I could go back in time and relive it again. No matter how old he is, he is still my baby. One more day to relive 1981 would be a gift. Things were easier then, or so it seemed.

Micro Manager

Over the past year my boss has begun to micro manage her business. The only problem is that she has no idea what she is doing. She has managed to get 60% of her doctors to walk out on her and start their own business, 1 lawsuit, a very unhappy staff and a plunge in her revenue. Good job! When "crazy doctor" joined our office she made my boss look like she was out of touch with her office. My boss decided to get involved in the day to day workings and that is when things fell apart. I used to care and tried to show her that her way was not going well. Now I just decided to sit back and watch the show. It is very entertaining.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day and I feel a bit sad. Every year I have a Father's Day barbecue with my family. This year it will be different. Last year my parents drove themselves to my house and my grandson spent the entire day sitting on my mother's lap. This year she is not well and my father cannot leave the house since he has to help take care of her. I will celebrate with him tomorrow. I am grateful for all of the Father's Days that we had, but will surely miss the old times.

Hello Again

This afternoon I will be seeing a family member that I have not seen in 30 years. It will be strange to see a then 18 year old girl at 48. I of course, have stayed young. This cousin was collateral damage when my husband's family fell apart. Her side of the family thought that they were the Kennedy's and my husband's side were the Beverly Hillbillies. Truth be told, they all were in the Addam's Family. Each one had their own odd ways and it was probably better off that they took a break. Our side stayed normal and mainstream.  Their side went through multiple divorces, business losses and gender identity issues. You never know who you will meet up again with. I am curious to see how things are now.

More Stepping

This morning is my grandson's stepping up ceremony. Last week I saw my granddaughter on stage moving up from her school. I cannot believe how time has flown. My two babies are now going to kindergarten. The past five years passed at a breakneck speed. I remember my sons so vividly at this age that it feels like yesterday. I am going through a transition period in my life and realize that time moves on because it has to. Things can never be at a standstill even if we want them to be.

The Creators

There is a saying that, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach". People can show their skills to someone else but do not always have those skills reflected in their lives. I saw an instance of that yesterday. I went for my monthly haircut and when I walked into the salon, there were two stylists there. One was the owner and the other was the woman who has cut my hair for 25 years. They were each cutting a client's hair and doing a great job. Then I realized that they both have the most horrible hair. My stylist had a blob of frizzy hair pulled back in a clip. Half of her head was gray roots and the other half was a washed out blondish brown. The owner had medium length bleached blonde hair that was so thin it clung to her head and hung like a mop. Two of the ugliest heads of hair were creating beauty in other women. It made me laugh.

My Treasures

Yesterday I visited my parents and met their newest aide. My sister and I visit three times a week. They now have three shifts of women helping them. They are all very nice and kind. I gave the new one my "orientation" talk. Of course I went over what needs to be done for my mother, even though she already knew as she has taken care of elderly patients for years. There is the old saying, "You do not need to hear it, but I need to say it". I end my talk by saying that my parents are my most valuable treasures and I am trusting the aide to keep them safe. I look directly into their eyes as I say this to make it very clear what I expect. Keep them safe, keep them clean and keep them comfortable. Treat them as if they are your family.

Who's the Boss

I am a very relaxed office manager. An office runs best when there is little pressure. If a boss does not pressure you, you will learn to pressure yourself. Every once in a while, I have to remind one worker that I am still the boss. Yesterday was one of those days. My receptionist was assigning extra working hours to a research assistant. I saw her texting back and forth. I asked what she was saying and she told me. That is when I reminded her that I am the boss and everything goes through me. I had her text the girl to call me to discuss the schedule. She called me and I gave her the hours that I wanted. Now we were all reminded who is boss.

The Mask

This week two famous people took their own lives. To the outside world they had everything to live for. They had wealth and fame. Obviously, they did not have happiness. They wore a mask for the world. They were surrounded by people who could not see past it. Their emotions were human ones and all of the money in the world could not help them. I never envy anyone because there is never anything to envy. Most of us have everything we need, if we could only see that. The deaths this week were a clear indication that we are all the same at the most basic level. Emotions level the playing field.

Early Bird

No matter how hard I try, I cannot sleep late. This morning I am not leaving for my parent's house until a little after 9am. I still awoke early and was out of bed by 5:45am. If I laid there any longer my back would hurt. I am now up, dressed, lunch made, clothes for tomorrow set out and writing this blog. At the stroke of 8am I will go to the store for fresh rolls. I have no idea how people start their day off later.

Little Graduate

Tbe graduation was wonderful. All of the children sang proudly on the  stage. They said the pledge of allegiance to the delight of the audience. My granddaughter was given a dozen roses from her parents. We went back to her house for a delicious dinner and graduation cake. We played and I bathed the girls. My granddaughter played us one more song on her guitar. We kissed goodbye and I cannot wait for the next visit.

Stepping Up

I am up and ready to get on the road. My granddaughter is having her stepping up ceremony this afternoon. She will move on from nursery school to kindergarten. I cannot believe how time has flown. I do not want to miss any important milestones in her life. It will be worth a four hour drive to see her beautiful, smiling face.

Chirps

Most mornings I wake up to chirping birds. Even in the winter, in a snow storm, they chirp. This morning the chirps sounded like words. One bird was chirping "giddy up" while his friend was chirping "idiot". The sounds they were making were words repeated over and over again. In between were just singing chirps from other birds. There must have been five or six different tones all singing away. It was a symphony of sounds.

Time Waster

The search still goes on for a new employee and the potential interviewees are getting worse. I am used to the no shows and have become surprised when a person actually shows up. Yesterday a young women came for her 12pm interview. She filled out the application and we went into my office to speak. The first thing I reiterated was the hours, 3pm - 8pm Monday through Thursday. She said they were fine. Then I looked at the application. It said she would be graduating college in December 2018. I asked what her schedule was like for the Fall semester. She said her classes were from 4-6 every day. I asked her how she planned to work from 3-8 if she would be in classes from 4-6. She said she couldn't. She thought she would do those hours for the summer and we could accommodate her in the Fall. I said we can't, ended the interview and thanked her for coming in. Big waste of my time.

Happy Birthday

Thirty seven years ago today, it was cloudy in the high seventies. I was sitting at the pool of a beach club that I believe was named Silver Gull. I was waiting for my sister's baby to be born. We had no idea if it was a boy or girl. I kept going to the pay phone to call the hospital. No news. No news. Finally, I was told "It's a girl"! Just what my sister ordered! We stayed at the pool for the afternoon and then drove to the hospital to see her. She was a tiny bundle of joy. We peeked at her through the nursery glass window. That tiny baby is now a mother of her own two babies. Time sure flies.

Papers

How many papers do we need? Why do we keep them? Lately I try to throw away papers as soon as I take care of them. Prior to the 2000's we had to keep papers. If a problem arose you needed to provide proof and if you didn't, it was your loss. Now we have computer records so paper is phasing out. I just need to change my way of doing things and give up the control that papers have over me.

Life in Degrees

I went to sleep last night sweating. The temperature hit 90 degrees. I laid out my clothes for today, shorts and a short sleeve top. I got up this morning and walked Shelby. I was freezing. The temperature was 58 degrees. I put away the summer outfit and picked out pants and long sleeves. I guess that nothing is guaranteed in life and things can drastically change overnight.

Back Home

After a long day, my mother is now back home. The van to take her home was 2 hours late and she wanted to get home to her own house. It felt like we were waiting at the airport gate for a plane that was delayed. She was all dressed with nowhere to go. When we got to her street, it was totally closed off by a repair truck. There had been a watermain break so no one was allowed down the block. Murphy's law. I found parking two blocks away. The van was smart and backed up the block from the opposite direction. I settled her in and went home. It was a long but good day for everyone. We are all back where we belong. 

Going Home

Today at 3pm I will be taking my mother home from the hospital. A few days ago we did not think that this was an option. Neither did the hospital staff. That just goes to show you that as much as we think we are in control, a higher authority has the final say. She is going home with a smile on her face to the place she loves the most. We are set up to make her comfortable. Her care will be the same as before. We need to understand that life is precious and any extra days with a loved one are priceless. We also need to understand that we are not involved in the decision of how many day, weeks or years it will be.