Constant Replay

There is instant replay and there is constant replay. Since yesterday, I am on a loop of constant replay. My sister and I were listening to some 1940's songs with catchy tunes and words. Since 11am yesterday, my brain has been locked into a constant repetition of one of the songs. It played all day and all night. When I woke up, it was still there, etched into my brain. It makes me laugh each time it rewinds. I could have worse things floating in my head. I could think that I stepped in a pile of sh....aving cream.

Reader's Digest

For as many years as I can remember, I have had a subscription to The Reader's Digest. It is a magazine that has survived the test of time. It has been around since 1922. It contains wonderful common sense articles, inspirational stories, medical facts, humorous stories and has a large reader input. It has stayed at a reasonable price since it began. I have sometimes paid less than one dollar an edition. Every month when a new one arrives, it is sealed in plastic. I open it like a gift. It does not have fashion, home decor or recipes which is fine for me. It is a plain old fashioned book and I hope it stays around forever.

Solar Emotions

Humans are very much like nature. They say that we are tuned in to the moon and the tides and our bodies react certain ways. Our attitudes also reflect nature. I was in my backyard the other day and looked up at the moon. I always look at the sky when I walk in the yard so I see the daily change from full moon to no moon or bright sunshine to clouded sunshine to none at all. The moon and the sun are two constants that are always in the sky shining brightly. What we see each day depends on outside variables. That is how life is. Things that may or may not be in our control affect our "light". There is always the potential for brightness, but it does not always shine through. It depends on your attitude whether or not you see the light

Fashion Police

This morning I got dressed for work and wore a black and white striped top. I looked like I was in prison. Then I realized that was no longer prison attire. When the black and white striped prison garb was first introduced, it must have had a meaning. It was not a random fashion style. It meant that you were behind bars in the building and behind bars in your clothes. There was no mistaking your place in society. If you were working outside, everyone saw what you were. Over the years, and I am not sure when, someone decided to upgrade the dress code. It now ranges from orange, to grey to khaki jumpsuits. There may be a variance from state to state or county to federal, but they are all solid. I liked the idea of fashion relating to status. I think that we should all be color coded.  Nasty people should be forced to wear brown. Mean people need to wear grey. Kind people would be dressed in floral. That way you know who you are dealing with before the encounter begins.

The Secret

Yesterday morning, among all of the frantic chatter in my office, my boss called. We discussed the problem that was happening and she told me that she already had a solution in place. She told me what the plan was and asked me to keep it a secret. I hate secrets. If no one else knows, I don't want to know either. While everyone was complaining about how nothing is being done, I knew something is, but I can't tell them. Since I knew the secret, I could not join in on the negative office gossip. I was an informed outsider. I just kept repeating that there will be an end to the problem. A secret takes the fun out of a day at the office.

Now You Can't Leave

"Now you can't leave" is my favorite movie line. It means you have gone too far and have to suffer the punishment. In "The Bronx Tale", a biker gang went into a bar to drink. They got very rowdy and began to push around the bar patrons. The bartender asked them to leave. They laughed at him and became more rowdy. Again, they were asked to leave. They said no. The bartender then went to the front door and locked them in. He said, "Now you can't leave". About 10 men emerged from the back room with baseball bats in their hands and beat the bikers to a pulp. Yesterday in my office, we had a "now you can't leave" moment. The nutty doctor went too far by using a derogatory remark. She used it last week as an example of a mental illness and the front staff was upset. She was told that it hurt someone's feelings and was asked to stay away from that staff member. Yesterday she came in with booklets and approached the girl who was upset. She told her that it was the girl's duty to read about the subject as what she said was in a medical context. The girl packed up her things, walked out and promptly called my boss. My boss called HR as this is the second time that this happened. Now my boss has to follow through with whatever punishment HR says is correct. "Now you can't leave".

Forty One Years

Today is my sister's 41st wedding anniversary. It is mind boggling to think that 41 years have gone by. When I look at her and my brother in law, I still see the faces of twenty year olds. To me, they have not changed. In 1978, it was a beautiful spring day, but very late in the evening, there were a few snow flurries. I remember every moment of the day, from the smell of the flowers to all of the family who attended. I remember where the table I was seated at was located. It was a beautiful day from beginning to end. My parents were so happy as this was their first daughter getting married and they were able to give her a beautiful wedding. Time flies.

X-pathy

 The English language has so many wonderful words but I have come to the conclusion that one very important one is missing. It is a self created new addition named X-pathy. The "X" stands for the unknown factor. The dictionary defines sympathy as feelings of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune. It defines empathy as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Can anyone really understand the feelings of another person? That is where X-pathy comes in. Even though you have been in someone's shoes, whether is has been with an illness or a loss,  you cannot feel what they are feeling. You can only feel what you have felt in those circumstances and to think otherwise is not realistic. This thought has become more apparent in the last few months. I have suffered the loss of my mother as have millions of other people this year. The difference is that my mother and the relationship I had with her, is different than another person's relationship with their mother. There are people that have had an acrimonious relationship with their parents their entire life. There are other people that have the closest bond imaginable. The point is, that no one has walked in my shoes but me, even my sister, who had a wonderful relationship with our mother. The more we share stories, the more we find out, that our mother had special things that she said to one of us, that were different than the special things she said to the other. I just want people to acknowledge that they really do not know how I or anyone else feels. I do not need sympathy. I do not need empathy. I need X-pathy.

  

Projecting

I used to project into the future. Things were stable and under my control. My children were small and my parents were my age. I expected things to flow along normally and they did. When I got up, I knew the day would be easy. When I went to sleep I was able to rest my head without worry. Now when I get up, my day doesn't start until I hear my father say he is okay. When I go to bed, I pray that the phone will not ring in the middle of the night saying that he is not well. I look at the day, not the week. I look at the moment, not the future. Maybe that is the best way to live life. I believe that is a Buddhist philosophy. Live in the moment.

In A Moment

Life can change in a moment. Good to bad, happy to sad, safe to unsafe. No one is really secure. No one is ever safe. Our lives are not in our own hands. Our fate is not decided by us. I am glad that I believe that when our time on earth is done, we will be in a better place. I am not afraid.

Words As Weapons

Words are more powerful than weapons. They cut deeper and the scars last longer. Weapons cut into your body but words cut into your soul. Sometimes I wonder if the people that hurt with words are truly aware of how they are affecting the person they are directed at. One of my receptionists told me about a story that one of the doctors was recounting to the staff. One of the words that she used was very inappropriate. She could have had a choice of other words to replace it, but she chose to use it repeatedly. These words impacted a staff member. Everyone heard what was being said, but as our nature is, no one spoke up. People reeled in silence as the story went from bad to worse. Until the person who was affected comes to tell me, I cannot do anything. It is her choice to do so and I hope she does.

Signs Of Spring

There are many signs that spring has sprung. The air smells fresher, the days are longer, the daffodils are beginning to bloom and the cherry blossoms appear on the trees. Those are all nice signs but not the ones that speak to me. I know spring has finally arrived, when Ralph's ices reopens. That is the sign that summer is on the way.

Losing Power

My iPhone is acting up. I have it on the charger and it is losing power. The battery says that it is ok so what is wrong? I have been walking around the house plugging it into different rooms as I go. This happened a few months ago and I took it to the Apple store. They said it was fine, played around with it and things were great until now. I will try playing with it today and maybe it will snap back into shape.

Ebb and Flow

At least three times a year, I tell my boss that things in life ebb and flow. In life, as in business, there are highs and lows, good times and bad times, decline and regrowth. That is just how life is. When we have a streak of no new patients calling, she gets frantic and comes to me. I tell her that life ebbs and flows. You would think that after 15 years, she would know my answer to her question. I guess we all need to be reassured that things will be alright.

Final Disrespect

I never read the newspaper. I  do not have time and I do not want to know the world's unhappiness. I am fully up to date on what is important but do not want to know life's daily strife. The other day I had a few minutes so I skimmed the paper. As I got to the back, I saw a picture of a beautiful woman who was in the obituaries. The headline said, "Woman, 54, dies in house fire". It looked like a thirty year old picture, but most obituary photos are from a time when the person looked their best. I decided to read the article. It seems that there was an electrical fire in the woman's home and she and a tenant died. Then I read further and was appalled. Her family told a story of how she was an alcoholic, how she lost her children to her husband of 20 years, how she was so sick that they could never rekindle a relationship and how she died a drunk because the alcohol meant more to her than her family. How could a family strip this woman of her last ounce of dignity by airing her dirty laundry in a public forum? How heartless were they? In the article they called it, "her disease", so if they knew that it was a disease how could they fault her so cruelly? 

Precious Moments

It is the weekend again and my father is with us. I picked him up yesterday and he was very glad to be going to a change of scenery. As he got into the car, he said he wanted to go to the bagel store for lunch. Then as we were driving, he said he wanted ice cream for dessert. He sounded like a little kid, excited to be away for a few days. We went to the bagel store and after that we went to buy ice cream. He came to my house and took a nap. He then had dinner and dessert and we watched some television. Before I knew it, my sister came to get him. He had such a nice day. Today we will take him wherever he wants to go. Each moment with him is a precious gift.

Admissions

Right now, in my office, three people were waiting for a letter of acceptance to the PhD program at a local college. Two of them are recent graduates and one already has her Master's Degree, worked in the field for ten years and wants to become a psychologist. The two recent graduates were accepted last week. The third person is still waiting to hear from the school. The two that were accepted have not made it public yet because they do not want to upset the third girl. I found out from my boss. The first two are nice kids with good grades and no real psychology background. The third is a brilliant girl who is the most competent person I ever met. She has more knowledge than most psychologists and even psychiatrists. She knows medications, side effects, dosages, therapies and has a great skill calming and comforting patients. She runs groups and has started support groups for conditions that other people did not think were important. She is now doing a drug study for the FDA to approve a medication for depression, for people that are drug resistant. Her grades are wonderful and she thought her interview went very well. Why did she not get her approval yet? The program is limited to 25 students. Is she the 26th? Has another student's family bribed their way into the program? With all of the publicity about the college admission scandal that has erupted this week, it makes me think. If she is not accepted, it is not only a loss to her, it is a loss to the world. When people think that bribing their way into a place they do not belong hurts no one, they need to think again.

Follow Ups

Last month I had a nose procedure. Within a few days I saw great results. I can breath better than I have in years and no longer have a drip down my throat. Today I had a follow up appointment scheduled. I decided to cancel it. There is no reason to go . I feel fine and have no problems. All the doctor will do is look up my nose and tell me things look good. Most follow ups are not really necessary.

Days and Dates

I always know the day but not always the date. To me, days are more important. I know that certain things need to be done Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I know I drive to Brooklyn on Fridays and Sundays. I know there are work meetings on Tuesdays. These are my rotating schedules. The number of the day is not relevant. The only important dates are birthdays, anniversaries and doctor appointments. Other than those, I float through life just making sure I am doing what I need to do on the day I need to do it.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my mother's 95th birthday. It is the first one since she died, so it is a somber day. Last year on her birthday, she had just arrived back home after being in rehab for her stroke and we had hopes of a few more years with her. That was not to be. Even though she is not in the physical world, my sister and I will spend time with her this afternoon. We will stand at her graveside and tell her about everything that is happening in the family. I am sure she already knows as I feel her with me every day. She may not be here, but she is not gone.

The App

Until recently I did not have an iPhone. I had the old fashioned one that suited me well. I updated it when my daughter in law gave me her old one, so now I am in the 21st century. I never understood the App world. I would see people giving cashiers their phones to scan, but didn't fully know how the information got there. It was not relevant to me at the time. Now I am a full fledged member of the modern technology world. Yesterday I downloaded my first app. As I did, I hoped it would not screw up my phone. Needless to say it did not.

Rainy Days and Sundays

I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain. The wind was blowing. I got that warm feeling of not having to get up and dressed and go to work. I could lie there a bit longer and get up whenever I wanted to. It is nice not to always be on a time schedule. As it is, I have a regular routine now, but everyone needs time to rest their head.

The Human Candle

Sometimes when my mind is totally at rest, a thought pops into it. Yesterday the analogy of the human spirit and a candle came to mind. A new candle is like the beginning of life. Its wick is lit and it shines brightly. It brings brightness into the world for everyone to see. Sometimes it flickers when the wind blows too strong, but it will regain its glow after a brief adjustment. Then a life event comes along and the light is snuffed out. All that is left is the dark smoke that hovers in the air reminding you just how fragile it is. The candle has been extinguished. Then you take a moment to look around and see that the candle is not gone, it is merely melted and spread thin. It is salvageable. You scrape the wax off of the ground and remold it. You get a new wick and place it into the center. A spark is struck and the candle comes to life once more, burning brightly. A candle, like the human spirit, never really dies. It can always be relit.

Counting Life

As I get older, I count life by events. When my children were very small, every time the accountant came to do my taxes, I would say that another year has flown by. A few years later, when the sprinkler man came to shut down the water, I would say another year has flown by. I now count time by weeks. Each Friday, I get up and know that I will be driving to Brooklyn to get my father from dialysis. When I get there I say to the other families waiting for their loved ones that another week has flown by. It feels like groundhog's day, but I do not want it to end.

Portions

Last night I made ravioli for dinner. When I bought the bag, it said it was for three servings. I cooked them and put them onto a plate. It looked like one serving. It was so small that I had to make spaghetti to add to the mushroom sauce to make it into two dinners. Who makes the decision of portion size? It seemed more like it was for a toddler.

Fact Check

I never argue a point unless I know the facts first. My front office staff does not want to perform certain work related duties for the new nutty doctor. She says that it is their responsibility. They say that a trained person needs to make these calls. She says that if they read the patient chart, they are qualified. My boss agreed with the staff. It is now becoming a power play. I told my boss that before she argues the point she needs to call the New York State Medical Society and ask them. I was delegated to make the call and I did. It seems that the nutty doctor is correct. She pays monthly for office staff and she is well within her right to ask for certain calls to be made.

No Memory

I had a blog all ready to write this morning. I had the topic and the wording. I formulated it just as I woke up. As I sat down to begin to type it, I had no idea what it was. I have totally forgotten what I wanted to say. It has only been 20 minutes since I woke up and nothing earth shattering has happened to distract my mind. I know the basics of what it would was, but the precise thoughts have disappeared. I hate when that happens.

Good Marketing

After the last snowstorm, I went outside to see that the snowplow had hit my car. The driver's side front bumper had the paint sliced off of it. I was very upset. A car that had no marks or scratches was now damaged. I told this story to my son. My grandson was with us at the time. He wanted to add to the conversation because he said he had something important to say. When we stopped talking, we let him tell us what was so important. He said, "If you have an accident, you have to call Cellino and Barnes". We started to laugh. He does not watch a lot of television but the song must have stuck in his head. Whoever created the commercial made it catchy enough for a 5 year old to remember. What great marketing. 

The Egg

I was watching a cooking show the other day and the topic was eggs. I began to think about the meaning of an egg. An egg can represent our lives and our relationships. If you hold it too tight, it will crumble. If you do not have any hold on it, it will slip through your hand, fall to the ground and crack into pieces. Sometimes relationships are hard and sometimes they get scrambled. The trick is to be careful and realize that they are fragile. They need to be cared for in just the right way. Then they will be sunny side up.

Lions and Lambs

March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Today that is holding true. After a mild winter I woke up to snow. It doesn't look too bad but it does seem a bit lionish. Things will warm up later in the week and all of the snow will be gone. Lions and lambs. They go hand in hand and we relate them to one another. They start with the same letter and have the same amount of characters in their words. They are both animals that roam free, but if they lived on the same territory there would be trouble. The

First Call

We all have someone in our life that is the designated "First Call". It could be a family member or a close friend. The title describes the job duty. You are the first person to receive a call when either something good or bad happens. It is a no brainer and your hand automatically dials this person. There can be many other important people on the list, but there can only be one first call. This person has become the first call because they know how to handle it. They can offer compassion or courage, depending on the situation. By doing the job well, they remain in it. Years ago, I was watching an entertainment show and a movie star said that something upsetting happened to her and she realized that she had no "first call" person. She had people to call, but not the one that would console her from the heart. It always stuck with me that someone who everyone thinks has it all, really had nothing. If you do not have a first call person, life can be lonely.