The Walk

 Today my sister and I will take our spiritual walk. It has been a month of mourning our father and although we were supposed to walk yesterday, the rain precluded that. Since the sun is shining, we will walk and reminisce about a life well spent. In fact, two. We have wonderful memories of two extraordinary people. For my father, for me, this month started with a walk and now will end with a walk. The first walk was to allow him to pass into heaven without me there. The last walk will acknowledge that he is safe with my mother.

Thirty Days

 Today marks one month since my father died. It seems like forever and it seems like yesterday. This week has been a dreary one so sadness is in the air. Yesterday was the first day I did not cry. Maybe I am adjusting to the fact that my parents are gone or maybe there are just no more tears in my tear ducts.

Paper Person

 I am the paper person of the house. Most households have one assigned paper person. It is the one who opens mail, sorts it and deals with it. I am that person. My husband thins out the advertisements and eBay pieces and leaves the other goodies for me. Even thought the jobs has been a lot to do for the past 40 years, I would never turn it over to him. I like the control.

Informed Delivery

 The post office is now offering informed delivery. It is a morning snapshot of the mail that you will be receiving that day. That means they got it, scanned it, and put it out to be delivered. Lately only two of the three steps have been working. They get it, scan it and lost it. In my neighborhood, a few weeks ago, mail was received at the post office, scanned and never to be seen again. After weeks of the neighborhood fighting with the post master, the mail finally appeared at it's destinations. It took 16 days to go one mile. No one will admit to where it was lost or tossed away, but it was found. And thers are the people we are trusting with our mail away ballots. Ponder that for a moment.

The Tongue

 When my father passed away, my office sent in a tray of deli. Since my receptionist knows that my sister and I love tongue, she made sure to specify that the platter needed to have mainly tongue in it. We always laugh at the expression that the tongue is so good, it speaks for itself. The platter came in and lo and behold, not one slice of tongue. I called the restaurant and asked if she had ordered it, because she was so specific in telling me that it would be there. They said that she did order it, and there was a special note, but no one read it, so we got the generic platter. They felt terrible and offered to give us a certificate for two tongue sandwiches, whenever we want to come in. Tonight, we will celebrate our father and have our sandwiches. We will have a "tongue toast" to my dad.

Donation

 I was sitting at the computer just now, not knowing what to write. I took a moment out to read my emails. My boss emailed me asking where I would like a donation to be sent in my father's memory. I answered "The Kidney Foundation". Without dialysis we would have lost him 7 years ago. Every dollar given to any charity helps. Without those donations, the kidney dialysis machines would not be the state of the art. For cancer, or auto immune diseases, immunotherapy would not be around. New devices would only be a dream and not a reality. As I am writing this, the word immunotherapy is underlined in red, as my computer's spell check does not even recognize it. That means it is so recent that it did not update the word. To the millions of people it gives life to, every dollar was well spent.

The Gift

Yesterday my son gave me my 65th birthday gift a bit early. He said it was going to be a thoughtful gift that I could never imagine. He was correct. A few years back, my father gave me a stained glass window. This was an original pane from the front window of their house. It was a bird on a branch with the blue sky behind it. It had an air vent in it. Most people replaced it in the 1960's with clear glass. He kept it all of these years. Since my father said to keep it, I did. I mentioned the window to my son. He said he would like it, so I gave it to him. Last night he gave me my gift. He cut the main picture from the window and had it professionally framed for me. He said that way I would always have a piece of my parent's house. I cried when I saw it. It was truly the most thoughtful gift I ever received.

Finished

 The last of the furniture has been removed. My mother's cherished piano will now live in her next door neighbor's house. Just knowing that it is there gives me a sense of comfort. It is like giving a child up in an open adoption. You know it is safe and in a good home. While they are so happy to have the new addition, we are so happy knowing it will be safe and well cared for. This is the definition of a win win situation. There is an old saying that "grieving begins when the last casserole is eaten". The piano is the casserole that has just been finished.

Sleeves Up

 After four years, the fashion show has appeared again. Obama has finally come out of the Biden protection program and made a speech on his behalf. He wore the same wardrobe he had worn visiting the states when he was president. He wore an open collar shirt and his sleeves rolled up twice. This is a subliminal message. It is supposed to show him as a working man that will roll up his sleeves, pitch in and get his hands dirty. Trump on the other hand, dresses like a leader in charge of a country. Obama fooled a lot of people with his rolled up sleeves.No other president ever did that. They did not wear the "I am a working man" sleeve roll.  My plumber rolls his sleeves that way when he sticks his hand into the toilet bowl to loosen sludge. Maybe that is what Obama is doing. Shaking up the uninformed sludge so they will vote.

Probability

 "The probability that an event will occur is the fraction of times you expect to see that event in many trials. The odds are defined as the probability that the event will occur divided by the probability that the event will not occur." 

What is the probability an event will occur vs the odds it will occur? I hate to use either of these calculations. I like either yes or no, or, it did or it didn't. That's what bothers me about the election polls. Who is being asked? Who is answering honestly? The other day someone gave me their perspective on the election polls. 

1) If you voted for Trump you will vote again for him. I would say that's 100% odds.

2) If you are a Liberal and see the destruction and anarchy that is being allowed to happen, you might vote for Trump as you want law and order. You are scared of a Biden regime.

3) If you are a Democrat and fear that your safety and freedoms will turn into Socialism, you might switch parties and vote for Trump.

4) If you are a staunch Democrat, you will vote for Biden.

5) Votes do not always go down racial lines. Many Black and Latino's see that Trump has done more for them than any other President. Fact check this statement. 

If Trump won the 2016 election, how do the media polls say there will be a Biden landslide? Is it fake news? Is it skewed statistics? Is it just propaganda, that they hope will lead to Trump supporters giving up and not going to the polls? They don't calculate the strength of the Trump supporters.  

So whether we use probability, odds, or gut feeling, the answer will be seen on November 4th.

 

Cleaning

 How long does it take to clean out a house? The answer is in the hands of the cleaners. After a family member passes away, cleaning and grieving go hand in hand. Some people rip the band aid off and other people keep the wound covered indefinitely. My sister and I are "rippers". By the end of this week, our parent's house will be cleaned out. Then we feel that we can begin to properly grieve for our mother and father.

Breaking News

There is breaking news about the Democratic Presidential candidate. Emails, receipts and laptops have been discovered. Bank accounts have skyrocketed. Meetings with foreign countries have been confirmed. Shady dealings are on tape (Biden is on tape saying fire the Ukrainian prosecutor or I will not release money to your country. I will be here six more hours. The prosecutor was fired. The social media companies are ignoring the subject. It seems that some top executives of these companies are slated to be on the transition teams if that party (heaven forbid) wins. Today on Yahoo the breaking news is that an admiral has cast his vote for Biden and Trump ordered a milkshake. This is propaganda at its best. Where is the story on our good friend Hunter, the crack addict who makes millions a year from the Russians and Chinese? No where to be found. CNN has never heard of such issues, Adam (Shifty) Schiff says this a smear campaign, the mainstream ABC, CBS, NBC media are forced to mention it but try to hide it after the story of a cat up a tree. The media has a vested interest in Biden. If Biden and the addict are truly innocent, why aren't they in the media's face vehemently (or to use their favorite word, categorically) denying such accusations. That is because they know the allegations are true. Make a list, fact by fact. See who has really done well for America and who has done really well for themselves. Don't hate Trump more than you love America. He is NOT a politician. That is why America is strong again. (And just a side note...stop using the pandemic against him. Biden and Pelosi called Trump a racist and xenophobe when he closed the border in January. They wanted it open and Nancy even took a trip to Chinatown to prove her point. Imaging how many more lives would have been lost if the Democrats were in office).

Berries

 I have developed a new love for goldenberries. They are small like cherry tomatoes but yellow. When you eat them they are both tart and sweet. At first you think they are too sour but then the sweetness arrives and makes you want more. I ate them all summer and this week not one store had them. I need to find out if they are seasonal.

1-800

Reality is that nothing you own goes with you. Yesterday my sister and I had to clean out my parent's house. The items that held the most importance to us, we kept. We had to call a company to cart things away. The truck said 1- 800- Junk. I said they should have re named it 1-800- Memories. Instead of things being carted to the dump, I asked the workers to say it was going to the "donation center". For the rest of the day, they humored me and said that. For some reason I felt better. 

Debbie

Another weekend, cleaning up my parents home. My sister and I have sorted through a lifetime of memories, laughing at some and sentimentally crying through others. We are recounting stories of our past, some that have not been thought about in years. I realize that these stories have comprised the book of my parent's lives. We all leave a book. They left a warm hearted novel mixed with humor and memories. Just this morning I thought of one of those memories. When I was about 7 years old, I got a baby doll named Debbie. I slept with her every night and loved her so much. Debbie now lives in my nightstand. At 10 years old I went to sleepaway camp. I did not take Debbie as I was fearful of her being lost. After I was in camp a week, my parent wrote that they were going on a 7 day cruise. It dawned on me that Debbie would be alone in the house. When I called home a few days later, I cried that Debbie would be in an empty house. My mother assured me that Debbie would go on the cruise with them. She knew how attached I was to the doll and my mother would do everything in her power to make her daughters happy. When visiting day came around, my parents brought us pictures of their cruise. There was Debbie in the stateroom. There was Debbie at the pool. There was Debbie in the Bahamas posing in the street. She was all over, in the hands of my smiling mother. I am almost 65 years old and I never forgot the loving gesture my mother did for me when I was ten.

Old Time Music

Music has changed through the years. In the early 1900's music had a happy beat and funny words. It made you smile and sing along. The lyrics were catchy. If you added them to a banjo or the big band sound of clarinets, trumpets and trombones, you had a sure winner. The other day I heard a song from 1930. It has been going round and round in my head. The repetitive line  is, "What kind of a noise annoys an oyster when an oyster's in a stew". Say this line a few times and you will see the brilliance of the limerick. Take three minutes out of your day and keyword Frank Crumit and What Kind of a Noise Annoys an Oyster on You Tube. Listen to it and I bet you will smile and still keep humming it when it is over.

Loud Without Facts

Yesterday I overheard a conversation between my receptionist and a patient. It became a bit nasty when the patient accused my office of charging her credit card $15 without her approval. We never charged her card as we do not have the number. Her balance is $175 so why would we even charge $15? Normally she calls in her credit card payment and we destroy the information immediately. Both people got loud and I have to admit that my receptionist got a bit nasty, but this patient has not paid her bill since last month, ignores our mail and makes us call her 10 times for payment. The office does not have time for this. A while later, the patient called me yelling about the charge. I explained that this was not possible and that she needed to show me where the charge appeared on her statement. She looked online and said that she could not find it. A minute later she settled down and apologized.

Sugar Cubes

Years ago when a vaccine came out you took it. There were no political agendas, no questioning, no arguing. Now when a vaccine will come out there will be "agendas". I remember the good old days. When the newest polio vaccine came out I was in elementary school. We were all called to the school cafeteria and told to line up. We moved up the line, one by one, until it was our turn. We opened our mouth and a small sugar cube was popped into it by the school nurse. The cube had a pink liquid on it that was the vaccine. We all returned back to the classroom, our bellies full of sugar and polio. Not one child went without the vaccine. Not one parent protested. Imagine that happening today. The city would be burned down and the statues in Central Park toppled.

Happy Birthday

Today is my sister in laws birthday. We met when we were in our 20's, which seems like lifetimes ago. There are now two more generations under us, but I still feel like we are the same as the day we met. I am lucky to say that I would have chosen her as a friend even if life had not chosen her as my relative. Family get togethers are a sure thing with lots of laughs. She is kind, loving and happy and the most upbeat and inspirational person I know. I wish her a continued lifetime of health and happiness and any other blessings that would like to join in. 

Columbus Day

Today is Columbus Day, or is it. I have not checked this morning if people have cancelled this holiday. For some reason, people are cancelling holidays without asking me. Labor Day was eliminated for a lot of businesses. I heard rumors that Columbus would follow. Why am I being told that a national holiday can be discarded by the whim of some organization? Where is the vote? Where is the democracy? My favorite rice is now going undercover and it’s  pancake mix counterpart is in the witness protection program. I no longer know who they are and what their names are. Yesterday I was told that I no longer sleep in a master bedroom. I now sleep in a primary bedroom. Who decides this shit? Next I will be told that I have to change my name too. Maybe Su is too close to Fu. Kohl's has decided to turn against the police as has Staples. I wonder who they will now call for shoplifters? Social workers should have a bag packed at the door in case they are called out to talk down a man wielding a knife in those stores. Starbucks also turned against police but wanted them there after their store was fire bombed by the people they sided with. No coffee for you! I am leaving for work soon, or is it now spelled werk or wirk. I need to call Nancy and Chuck and ask. I will wait until after 9am, when Nancy has put on a new Depends and Chuck has screwed his glasses back into his nose.

Wildflower

I was listening to a song on the radio as I drove home yesterday. The song was Wildflower by Skylark. I have heard this song hundreds of times. One line says, "Sleep's the only freedom that she knows". As I lay my head on the pillow each night, I truly understand that lyric. My mind drifts off into another state of being and takes me away from the tasks that I need to do while awake. For a few hours each night I am free.

Back to Pack

 On the road again. Just like Willie Nelson sang, I am on the road again. I will be leaving for Brooklyn soon and it will either take me 40 minutes or 2 hours, depending on the road conditions. I have made this ride a few times a week for almost three years. In a few weeks I will have no reason to be on that road again. I will only need it to travel to a vacation destination and the way the world is now, those are few and far between. So, off I go, boxes in hand, to pack away more memories.

Day Off

 Today I have a day of rest. I am not working or packing up a house. While my body will be at rest, no one told my mind that it is off today. Even though I am not physically at my parents house, my mind is firmly seated at their kitchen table looking at what needs to be done next. I feel bad that today as I stay home, my sister is there straining herself packing. It is grueling work and doing it together feels better than her doing it without me, even with the assistance of her husband. This weekend we will both be there and for some reason it just feels right. My parents would want it that way.

Levels of Heaven

 There must be levels of heaven. Areas that are dedicated to people of their own ilk. I know a lot of people that would be placed in stupid people's heaven. These are good people that just had no judgement. They did not think before they did things and are partly responsible for their own death. For years they were told "I told you so" and "that's not a good idea" until there were no more "I told you so's" to be said. For an example: Don't ride a motorcycle without a helmet. If you fall you will break your head open. Don't take another selfie on a cliff or hanging out of a window. You will fall and kill yourself. How about the old standard, if you are doing electrical work, turn off the circuit breaker. The list goes on and on. I try to live my life thinking one step ahead of the game. That's how I was brought up.

Cleaning Up

 Yesterday my sister and I started the process of cleaning out our parent's house. It is something that everyone my age has to do at some point. No one lives forever, so their possessions need to be taken care of. You never realize how much there is in a house until you have to take it out. Things that I know they cherished are nothing more than what they are, to other people. A chair is a chair. A plate is a plate. Only the family knows that the chair was the one my father sat in every day and the plate was one that my mother loved and had to have. Boxes upon boxes and bags upon bags, that I can't take home and no one else wants. I am trying to donate as much as I can, but even that is not easy. You accumulate a lot living in the same home for 63 years.

My Namesake

This morning my sister and I will head to the cemetery to say a quick hello and then go to my parents house to start cleaning things out. We  both felt that we did not have enough time there when we were at the funeral. I am also going to take a picture of the "watching" stone, as I have named it. Although I go to the cemetery a few times a year and I do look at the stones, I never noticed one. As I was leaving the area after the funeral, my son pointed out a stone. The woman's first name was my first name. The husband's first name was my last name. There it saw, etched in stone. My name. Feet away from my parents, watching over them.

Eve Of Destruction

 Human nature repeats itself. 

The Eve of Destruction (1965) Barry McGuire

Yeah, my blood's so mad, feels like coagulatin'
I'm sittin' here, just contemplatin'
I can't twist the truth, it knows no regulation
Handful of Senators don't pass legislation,
And marches alone can't bring integration
When human respect is disintegratin'
This whole crazy world is just too frustratin'
And you tell me over and over and over again my friend
Ah, you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction

 Think of all the hate there is in Red China
Then take a look around to Selma, Alabama!
Ah, you may leave here, for four days in space
But when you return, it's the same old place
The poundin' of the drums, the pride and disgrace
You can bury your dead, but don't leave a trace
Hate your next-door-neighbour, but don't forget to say grace
And you tell me over and over and over and over again my friend
You don't believe we're on the eve of destruction
No no you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction

Think about those lyrics. We never learn. 

Day One

 Today is the first day that I am acknowledging that I have lost both of my parents. I do not know the role of not being a daughter. I have spent almost 65 years being a loyal and loving daughter to the best parents anyone could have. The last two years were spent caring for my father after my mother left us. All day every day, he was in my thoughts. I had set times to call him. I shopped for him. I nagged him about eating properly. I took care of his medical appointments and medications. By I, I really mean we. My sister did the other half of the responsibility. Together we were a power team. All he had to do was get up each day and stay healthy. At the end, he could not do that, and god was kind and peacefully took him painlessly. That was my wish for him. He is now with my mother and my sister and I are happy and sad.