Six Months

Six months makes a difference. I saw that yesterday at work. There are certain questionnaires that we have our patients fill out for treatment and research purposes. One in particular is only approved for someone over the age of 18. One of our new patients is 17 1/2 and my boss asked a research assistant, who is also my receptionist, to give the questionnaire to the girl to fill out. The assistant refused saying that the girl was not yet 18. My boss said that it was okay. The assistant said it was not. The assistant, who is a graduate student enrolled in a PhD program, said that she would not give an unapproved questionnaire to someone underage no matter who told her to do so. It is a matter of ethics.  I agreed with her but my boss did not. The assistant said she would rather quit her job than do something that is not right. My boss had to give in. She never realized that the tough stand was to protect her in case the girl reacted poorly to the questions that the survey asked. I respect the assistant for having the moral fortitude to stand up for what is right.

Cemeteries At Disney

Disney should open up a new park named Cemetery at Disney. So many people live far away from their families and once their relatives are gone, they seldom fly home for the sake of visiting the cemetery. If there is no reason to be in a state other than to pay your respects, their beloved family members are never seen again. If Disney opened a theme park for that reason only, at least once every few years if not more, you could go and pay your respects. There could be an east coast and a west coast park to cover the entire country's deceased. A one day pass is all that is needed and flower shops would be available. When the visit is over, you drive down the road to the amusement park.

Webinar

Today I will be attending my first webinar. While I was away, my boss saw an ad for a webinar and she thought it would be a good topic for me to attend. It is on texting and Hipaa. She signed me up at a cost of $139. It was on a Wednesday at 10am so she thought it would be fine. She never stopped to see that the ad said 10am PST. Maybe she thought the ad was whispering to her like a secret, 10am pssssstt. Now at 1pm I have to sit and watch the seminar. I have to use someone else's office as my computer has no speakers. It will be right in the middle of the day when every doctor is walking around talking loud. I hope it ends promptly at 2pm because I do not want to stay longer on my time.

Summer Feeling

I went to sleep last night feeling like spring. I woke up feeling like summer. Nothing drastic happened weather wise but the world looks brighter to me. For the next three months people will come out of hibernation and be more active. Last summer I had a heavy heart and did not feel like doing much of anything. I am looking forward to rejoining the world this summer.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day, a day of remembrance. While it is generally thought to be a day to remember the Armed Forces, it is a day to remember everything. There is a saying that women have short hair and long memories. That describes me perfectly. I remember things that most people do not, in vivid detail. It is a gift and a curse. I remember that on this day, my niece was born. I remember the diner that I was sitting in with my in laws before we went to visit her. I can visualize the booth we sat in and which seat was mine. I remember my father in law forcing my mother in law to have more coffee. He thought a refill was free but it wasn't. I remember the look on his face as he scowled at the waiter when the check came. I remember going to the town parade with my sons. I remember barbecues with my parents. We all gathered under the large tree in the backyard and my mother always sat in the lounge chair. I remember pulling a chair close to her and holding her hand as we talked about the same things we discussed every day, but they always seemed new. The funny thing is that I do not remember last Memorial Day. My mother was still alive but I have no memory of that day. I guess I blocked it out as I knew it would be that last time she would be alive on that holiday and she was not doing well. I am glad that memory is not there because I would not want to relive it as I do the others.

Death and Love

Most people are afraid of death. They think of it as a final state of being. They feel it is the ending to what once was. While death is a powerful force, it has no power over love. When a life is over, the love it had created still survives. Death feels heavy while love feels light. What love has created, death cannot undo. If death is a dark room, love is the one tiny shining candle that can be seen from every angle.

Self Absorbed

It has happened again. Someone has died taking a selfie. I never understood the mindset of selfies. Why are people so self absorbed that they need to chronicle every life event. If no one else is with you to take the picture, you do it yourself. In the cases where the people have died, the scenario is always the same. They are standing on a high cliff with a beautiful view and have to capture the moment. Years ago we faced out and took a picture of the landscape. Now we face in and need our faces in the forefront and the view behind us. In order to focus better, backwards steps are taken. Step, step, step, fall. The ground has ended but the pose is still there. No one notices that you are close to the edge because they are looking at themselves in their own cameras. I feel so bad that someone has lost their life in such an unfortunate way.

Written in Stone

There is a saying that "Nothing is written in stone". We use it when we want to point out that things can change and are never permanently set. That is why we write with pen and paper and do not etch in granite. The thought just popped into my head that some things are written in stone and can never be changed.When our time on earth is done, the only remembrance we have of our loved ones is written in stone. If you take a walk through the cemetery as you visit family members, you will see a brief glimpse of someone's life. You will know their birth date, death date and where they were in the family dynamic. Were they married and did they have siblings? How long did they live without their spouse? Are there any special sentiments that were etched into the stone to live in eternity? When we are alive, the flow of life follows us. When we pass on, our memory is written in stone.

Ballerina Girl

I heard the song Ballerina Girl on the radio. I began to think of people that live their lives like one. To me a ballerina girl is a person that has many wonderful qualities but they do not see it. They feel the need to dance on their stage to gain attention. They spin and spin until their senses are off balance. They spend so much time spinning on stage, that they never take a moment to stop and focus. If they did, they would see that the audience had left. If only they had realized that a short dance was all that was needed to be noticed for their beauty. A long drawn out one just tired the crowd.

Entitled

Yesterday I spoke to a patient that wanted to make up his own rules. He wanted his son to come for treatment as soon as possible and did not want a consultation. That is not the way things are done and I explained that to him. His son would need to have a consultation and be diagnosed, a treatment plan would be made and then he could start therapy. The father kept insisting that he wanted to go the "non traditional" route and just start sessions immediately. I kept explaining that we do not work that way as we do not know his son's needs. He said he would tell us what the needs were. After a few minutes I could see that I was talking to a wall and said that I would pass the message on to my boss and she would decide what needed to be done. If we lived in a world of non tradition, I would like to walk into a bank with a dollar bill and ask for change. The only catch would be that I want ten 100 dollar bills instead of ten dimes.

The Juggler

I used to read a comic strip named The Family Circus. It was about a family and their silly antics. As I was lying in bed this morning, I realized that I have been living that cartoon for a few years. In my circus I am the juggler. I am living the life of a sideshow act. I started off juggling two balls, my home life and my work life. Soon a children ball was tossed into the mix and I mastered the three ball act. My three ball act lasted for many years and I was extremely skilled at it. I was so good that the audience wanted to see more. A special ball for my parents was tossed in. I stumbled a bit at first but now I had a four ball act. I did not realize at the time that along with that ball came others. I was not given much time to hone the four ball act when more were quickly thrown into the mix. In came the healthcare aides, the doctor's appointments, the transportation people, the real estate agents and the nurses. I now had nine balls to juggle. The crowd was pleased and roared for more. They never stopped to see that I was frozen in place because if I moved a ball would be dropped and the act would falter. Once the rhythm is off it would not be easy to resume. The crowd doesn't realize that a juggler's arms get tired since they make it look so easy.

Back on Track

After one week away, I am back home. I had a wonderful trip and enjoyed seeing what "Island Life" is like. If I could have my dream, I would buy a home on an island and live my life quietly. I spoke with the locals and they all seemed to enjoy what island life brings them. They said that it is an expensive life due to everything being imported to them, but it is a small price to pay for living in paradise. I tried to take in every moment of my time away. I won't need to look back on my pictures as I have permanent snapshots in my brain. Those will never fade.

System Restore

I am doing a system restore on myself. For the first time since my "unit" was created, it will be overhauled. The computer will shut down for a week for preventative maintenance. It will be turned off and tuned out. The other computers will have to work at maximum speed to take over for the missing machinery. My unit will be off the grid, gathering a new updated motherboard and come back stronger than before.

Broken Heart

This morning a good friend of mine called me at 6:30am to tell me that her mother had passed away. It is sad to hear of anyone's parent dying but I knew her mother for years. One day in conversation, we started to talk and realized that our parents had been friends years ago. Our mothers had even been in a bridal party together and we have pictures of it. Our parents stayed friends for years and somehow lost touch. My sister made a luncheon a few years ago and reunited all of them. It was a great day. Now my father is the last of the Mohegans.

Rainy Days and Fridays

It seems that every Friday is grey and rainy. I have spent almost every Friday this year driving to Brooklyn to get my father from dialysis. The day starts off dreary and sometimes the ride is a slow, scary one depending on the rainfall. When I get to dialysis the sun comes out, but not in a physical manner. I see my father's face and the world seems fine again. The clouds part and he brings my sunshine to me.

Guilt or Love?

We all do things with a motivation. There is a reward at the end of the action that makes us do what we do. When it comes to family members we have two motivations. They are guilt and love. As I look around at people who are in the same situation with their parents that I am in, I see the difference. I do what I do out of love. My goal for my mother and now my father is to keep them alive and well as long as I can. My goal was to visit my mother daily and now to get my father for weekends. The goal is only for me and my love for them. Other friends in the same situation do what they do for guilt. It is not about how long their parent will be alive, but about when the burden will end. It is not about making themselves happy but showing the world that they are doing the right thing even if it is for the wrong reason.

Flowers

I was sitting in my den last night when out of the corner of my eye I saw someone run up to my stoop and place a green box there. I immediately knew that a green box means flowers and flowers means my children in Massachusetts. I ran up the stairs to retrieve the box and when I opened it there were beautiful long stemmed multicolored roses in it. Each one was wrapped in plastic and as I unwound the bouquet the smell permeated the air. The smell of springtime is now in my kitchen. There is no better scent. They were a Mother's Day gift and they arrived early as I will be away next week. This way I have time to enjoy them.

The Good Old Days

There is an expression, "I wish someone had told me that I was in the good old days, before I actually left them". I knew I was in the good old days as I was living them but it still feels bad that they are gone. I lived my life being kind and loving to the people that are the most important to me. I hate it when I see other people acting in a way that they will regret one day. The good thing about knowing that you are in the good old days, is that there is no guilt when you think back.

Ladies of the Night

Last week one of the doctors walked in with a new greeting. He said, "Good morning, ladies of the night". He saw the puzzled look on my face and said, "Is there a meaning to that saying that I am not aware of"? I said that the term "ladies of the night", refers to prostitutes who walk the street at night looking for clients. He was mortified and turned red. He had no idea that was what it meant. He saw a preview for a new television show with that name, that is about women crime fighters. He thought that he was complimenting us because we are tough women. I told him a few more old sayings and asked him what he thought they meant. He had no idea. Sayings that we used years ago are no longer relevant to today's society. It was funny to see how out of touch they are.

Little Inspector

Yesterday I went to a Communion for my daughter in law's nephew. It was at a local church followed by a dinner at a restaurant. My grandson is morphing into my son. We walked in to the sanctuary and he sat down next to me. I saw him scanning the room just as my son does. Then he turned to me and said, "They have good central air conditioning here". He went on to say that there were plenty of vents and he could see the air blowing out of them by the way the ribbons on the wall were moving. Next he moved on to the lighting. He checked out the spotlights and noticed that one out of a hundred was blown out. He told me it needed to be changed. He then asked how they installed the stained glass windows. It was funny hearing this out of a six year old child's mouth. He watches everything his father says and learns quickly. I can tell that when he gets older he will have a skill set that most boys will not.

The Digger

Last week someone called me a digger.It was meant as a compliment. When I am given a project to research, I dig down to the deepest level to find the information. I do not stop at the basics. I continue on until every scrap of knowledge is gathered. Once I get everything I need, I formulate it in my mind into a cohesive package. Then I am satisfied.

Over and Over Again

Over and Over Again is the title of a book that my boss wrote. The title relates to OCD, but it really relates to how most people live their lives. Life is a repetition of days. Each one follows the path of the previous one with a bit of variation. The variation is called growth, without it life would stagnate. We add the small change into the repertoire of our lives and it remains there waiting for a new change to be added. We are slowly building a past, adding a present, while waiting for the future. The problem arises when people cling to the past and have a hard time adding the present into the mix. If you cannot do that, there can be no future.

The Bully

At what age does bullying end? The answer is never unless you set boundaries. Although the crazy doctor is not longer located in our office she is trying to bully us remotely. Due to a family emergency, she still has her things in her old office space and intends to get them today. She is trying to bully my boss into having my staff continue to help her until she is set up in a few weeks. She keeps throwing around the  sentence, "My lawyer says". My staff does not care what her lawyer says, but this seems to intimidate my boss. The demands that are being asked for are not my problem and even though my boss is saying we should do them, my staff is refusing. If she will not set boundaries, we will. As of May 1, we no longer need to listen to anything the crazy lady says. Her lawyer can go jump in the river as we never have and never will do anything that is not right.

Regret

I woke up this morning to an email from Jet Blue. It said, "Don't regret passing up these fares". For some reason the word regret stood out. I would never attach the word regret to an airline fare. I would think of it more with a life event. I started to think if I had any regrets in my life. I could not think of any. If I was forced to find just one tiny regret it would be one that I had no say in. If I knew on February 14, 2018, that when I said goodbye to my mother after we spoke on the phone for the fifth time that day, that there would be no more real conversations, I would have cherished it more and talked for longer. I did not see into the future so I had no idea. I sometimes think of that. I regret not knowing what was not in my power to know.