Bad Cold

I have a bad cold. I can barely breath. I cannot miss a day writing my blog so I dragged myself down the steps to type a few sentences. That is determination.

The Day As Planned

My Thanksgiving day went exactly as planned. I was surrounded by family, my father was there, the food was great and my granddaughters called. It was as if the past few days of chaos and worry never existed. I guess that is the best way to live life. In the moment. Don't worry too much about the future and don't dwell a lot on the past. We took many pictures and will always remember this day.

Thanksgiving Medicine

There are many types of medicines and people can argue which one is the most effective. My father has been in the hospital since Tuesday evening. As people age, their bodies breakdown and treatment decisions need to be considered from a different angle. The wonderful team of doctors were all gathered together discussing what to do. There was talk of scans, scopes and probes. I stood there listening and when they asked for my input I gave it to them. I said that the best medicine for a 96 year old man is to have him seated at my Thanksgiving table eating dinner with his family. The lead doctor looked at me with the biggest smile and said I was "right on the money". He said that he could not advise me to do that as a doctor, but it is what he would do as a son. From that moment on, the entire medical team began to set up his discharge for this morning. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, he will be home by noon and enjoying a wonderful meal with the people who love him the most. Medicines are not only formulations of chemicals. They also include love.

The Day

You never know where the day brings you.  How you handle yourself with the twists and turns in the road is what is important. I have become a master navigator.

Part Two

This afternoon is part two of a presentation on transgender people. Last week should have been the presentation in its entirety but people walked in late. My boss thought that 12:20 was as good as 12:00 so the lecture was delayed. While the lecture was interesting and worthwhile, by breaking it up into 2 days, a bit of its momentum has been lost. It is like eating a meal. If it is pulled away from you half way, your stomach feels full enough. When the second portion arrives you are not that full and are ready to move onto something else. The presenter will have his work cut out for him today as a good portion of the topic interest is gone. 

Days

There used to be definitive days in my mind. There were weekdays and weekends. Now there is just a single stream of days, one flowing into the other. I do not feel the internal change that I used to when work time ended and off time started. Since my mother got sick, it became family time. That is the only important time.

One Vowel

I realized yesterday that vowels are very important letters. I was writing the list of things that I still need for my Thanksgiving dinner and the first three things on the list were:
Cuke
Cake
Coke
Three four letter words but one letter changes the meaning. Since we are in a texting, email world, one vowel can be a game changer. The moral of this blog is to always proofread before you send a message.

AM and PM

There are two kinds of people. The AM's and the PM's. I have defined them differently than the Webster's dictionary. To me AM means another morning and PM means past midnight. I am referring to lifestyle. Two nights ago, I received a text message at 11:20pm. It was from my boss. She was asking how my father was. After 16 years of working for her, she should know that I am an AM person. I get to work by 7:30am while she is still sleeping. She gets up after 10am and her work day does not start until about 1pm. She is up late at night writing books or doing research. I will not say anything to her about the late text because it has never happened before and she was asking about my father's health.

Growing Resume

My resume is growing by leaps and bounds. A few weeks ago I added cashier and packer for Stop and Shop. It seems that they want me to learn the skills to check out faster. Next, since I had such a good background, I moved on to Walmart where I also ring up and pack my own purchases. This morning , it was decided that I was trained enough to become a lab tech. The Cologuard company trusted me to take samples and mix reagents to administer a colonoscopy screen. Now I am changing hats and will become a transporter as I drive the samples to UPS. 

Deja Vu All Over Again

Three times in two weeks. How does he do it? This morning I am heading back to Brooklyn for my father to have his third vascular procedure in two weeks. We were assured the last time that it would be the last time, but even doctors cannot predict life. They can just do their job to the best of their ability. They are only human. The puzzle now is to figure out why my father's arteries continue to clot after they have been totally cleared. The procedures were a success but no one told that to the arteries.

One Question

If you want to sound intelligent ask a question. You don't need to ask a lot of questions, just one good one. I was at a work yesterday and I was asked to join a lecture. I would have rather stayed at my desk but I had to attend. It was a powerpoint presentation and after a while the boring numbers were floating in my head. I decided to ask a question to show that I was awake. I was a good question that started a wonderful conversation. After that I was off duty.

Dirty Jobs

There are dirty jobs and then there are dirty jobs. Yesterday when I got home there was a box waiting for me at the front door. I thought it could be an early holiday gift. When I opened it, the package was wrapped in a plastic bag. When I zipped open the bag, it looked like a mini toilet seat. I was still baffled. After opening it fully, I realized that it was a Cologuard kit. Instead of a colonoscopy, I have chosen to use the kit. It gives detailed instructions of how to use it and return it. Then I thought, who opens and processes it? Who is the person that day after day opens a container of poop? (I am using the more refined word for it). That is a dirty, smelly job. How much does it pay? From now on I will never complain about the crap I do at work.

Fix the Errors

I will be back in work this morning after being away since Wednesday. New computers were put in Thursday and the set up could not be completed without me.  I have no idea what lies ahead of me. I know that an insurance program is not working and I am sure I will find a few more glitches. One by one they will be fixed. I just need to have a relaxed temperament because getting upset will only make things worse.

Bee-utiful Sentiment

I used to be a frog person. I do not know why but for some reason, in the 1980's people bought me frogs. When they went on vacation, I would get a frog souvenir. They lined my desk. When I left work to start my life as a mother, I took them with me and I have no idea where they are now. Since my mother passed away, I have become a bee person. Her name was Bea so the tiny little insect has become my favorite. Last night, I received the most special bee. My sister in law surprised me with a bee bracelet. There are some gifts that are not only beautiful to look at, but actually warm your soul. I have not taken it off or stopped staring at it since I put it on. It is the perfect bee, like my mother. There is something about it that just feels right. It is as if we were meant to be (bee, Bea).

Mona Lisa Eyes

My mother has Mona Lisa eyes. I have quite a few pictures of her in various places in my house. Most of them are her posing with other people. When I look at the pictures, from whatever angle I am at, she is looking at me. The other people seem to be staring at the camera, but she is always looking at me. She feels lifelike. I feel like she is posing for the shot and in a moment she will resume life and begin talking to me. I know this sounds a bit weird, but this is how I feel and feelings cannot be dismissed by someone else. I feel comforted each night as I close my eyes and each morning as I open them, when I see her smiling at me.

Well Run

The difference of a well run office and a poorly run office is how it reacts to a bad situation. I saw the worst example of this yesterday. My father was scheduled for a procedure at 10:15am. It was the second part of a procedure that he had last week. We arrived at the office to see that every seat was taken and people were standing in the hallway. The seated people all had their eyes closed which is an indication of them being there for a while. This office deals with dialysis patient's vascular problems so no one should have been left to stand. My father had a sonogram and then was told that the procedure was an "add on" and he would have to wait for a while to have it, as other people were before him. It seems that in error he was listed as a follow up and not a procedure when the schedule was made. He had not eaten since the night before to prepare for this surgery. A man and his aide walked in and it seems that they read their appointment card wrong. The appointment was for 11/19 but they thought it was for 11/14. They were told to stay anyway as they had made the trip. Clearly, this to me, should have been treated as the "add on". We sat and sat and sat and at 1pm, I asked when we were going to be seen. The other man that walked in on the wrong date was already in the OR suite. At about 2pm, my father was brought back to the pre op room and got into a surgical gown. He was told he would be the last procedure of the day. I then became quite upset. He is 96 years old and it was not his fault that the schedule was incorrect. By this time his aide andI had not eaten anything or even had a sip of water since 8am. I asked a surgical nurse for water and she went to get some for me but never returned with it. This center gives a sandwich to the patients after surgery so they have a stocked kitchen. I asked another nurse for water and she disappeared into thin air. I asked to see the manager and a young man walked over. I explained that I had been there since 9:30am and it was now 3:30pm and neither myself nor the aide had eaten a bite of food or a sip of water all day. The office is in a residential area and parking is terrible so the option of moving my car to drive for any food would result in spending an hour looking for a parking spot again. The manager told me that I could walk 1/2 mile to the nearest store. That was my "Niagara Falls" moment when my head spun around and I let my feeling be clearly known. I told him that neither he nor his office has any human compassion or kindness and that he should be ashamed of himself for not bringing me a cup of water after sitting for 6 1/2 hours, especially when I asked a few times. I told him that a dog in Key West is treated better as dog bowls full of water are left in front of every store in case a dog is thirsty.  After the surgery at 6pm, they brought my father a tuna fish sandwich. It was a big sandwich and he could only eat half of it. He told me to have the other half. Do you know what I did with that half? I brought it to his aide. I would not eat first, if she had not eaten. I could not see another person go hungry. That is how I was brought up.

Taking Cues

Sometimes things do not have to be said. It is the unspoken words that are important. It is the tone, the look, the feeling. My father is scheduled for a procedure this morning to finish the one he had as an emergency last week. He needs to be under anesthesia for this one and since he was not able to be sedated last week, it became a two part surgery. We arranged for a ride back and forth and his healthcare aide is with him. He said he would be fine. Last night when we spoke, I sensed in his voice that he was not fine. It was not said in words, it was said in the wavering sound of his voice. I asked him to tell me honestly if he wanted me to go with him. That is when he started to cry. He felt that it would be a burden for me to miss work. I told him that nothing is more important than him and I would be there with him in the morning and stay until he was settled back at home. I took the cue.

What Goes Around

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. The parking is horrible so I left ample time to get a parking spot. A few minutes after I arrived at the doctor's office an elderly man walked in with an envelope in his hand. He asked the receptionist if she could give it to Dr Jacobs. My doctor shares the office with two other doctors but their staff was not there. The receptionist said "No". The man kept pleading for her to just take the envelope as it was so hard for him to come back to the office. Again she said "No". She said he should have called first and she was not going to be responsible for his paper since Dr Jacob's staff was not there. I watched in astonishment. He left the office quite upset. When I was taken in to see my doctor, I asked the medical assistant if there was a problem between the doctors. She said there was not. I recounted what I saw while in the waiting room and I was upset too. When my appointment was done, I went to the checkout desk and saw the rude girl. I asked if there were any papers I needed to fill out as my doctor said there were. In a nasty tone she said there were not. I asked again stating that the doctor told me to fill out something before I left. She gave me a sneer and said,"No" again. As I was walking out, the doctor called the front desk to make sure I filled out the paperwork. The receptionist came running after me saying that I needed to come back to complete a form. Now, I said "No". She said that the doctor would be very angry with her if I did not fill out the papers. I said that was her problem, not mine. The rest of the patients in the waiting room chimed in saying, "Just go home". I guess she had been nasty to them, too.

Truly Me

I finally know who I am. It is not that I never knew, it is that I can strongly defend it now. I have heard the expression "authentic self" many times through the years and never fully realized what it meant. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser, I understand what it means. People may look at me and question why I do what I do or why I am reacting like I am. It is because I need to be true to myself and my core values. I do what I feel is right for my own reasoning. If someone does something wrong to me, that does not mean that I will act in turn. Their bad behavior will not dictate mine. I will not mimic what I see and turn it into what I do.

Hankies

I was looking in my closet this morning and saw a small gift box on a shelf. I remember taking it from my mother's house last year. I forgot what was in it so I opened it. It was a box of handkerchiefs wrapped beautifully in tissue paper. Someone must have given it to her as a gift. Each one was beautifully embroidered. Most people reading this blog will know what I am talking about. Men always had white ones and some of them had a thicker white border. The concept was really quite unsanitary. Blow your nose, fold up the rag, put it into your pocket to use later. When it was used for the day, throw it into the wash to be used again. Some old fashioned ways are no longer there for a reason.

Traveling Food Show

Since my father is at his home for the weekend recuperating, my sister and I are leaving soon to go spend the day with him. Yesterday we both cooked food for him even though he has enough already in his refrigerator. My sister has become the soup queen. She makes her special blend to include all food groups. When you eat her soup, you are eating a meal. I have made an old fashioned noodle pudding that contains enough dairy products to make someone's bones strong like steel. We will walk on the "avenue" and buy him anything else that looks good to us. We are looking forward to a great day with dad.

Superman

My father is Superman. He is The Man of Steel. The ordeal that he went through yesterday would have made a younger person crumble, but not him. He held strong and pushed through. His day started off as usual with a big breakfast. He then went to dialysis. The staff was unable to get the machine flowing. Three weeks ago this happened and he was sent to a vascular doctor the next day to open up a clog in his graft. We thought all was well, but apparently the clot was still there. Since it was Friday and he would not be able to have a procedure until Monday and dialysis until Tuesday, the decision was made to have an emergency appointment that day. I drove to Brooklyn and took him to a surgeon. Since he had a big breakfast, he could not have anesthesia. He agreed to have the procedure without it. He had the clot removed, the tight areas stretched and a balloon put into his artery. All without anesthesia. He said the pain was horrific but he knew that if he went 6 days without dialysis, it could mean disaster. Not only was everything done without anesthesia, but he watched the entire surgery being done on a live video monitor! After the procedure was done, he walked out on his own two feet and I took him directly to dialysis for a three hour treatment. He was done at 7pm and home by 7:30.  His aide was there to make him dinner and spend the night. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Then I thought to myself, if I was tired, I cannot imagine how he felt.

Plant Based

Why are we becoming obsessed with things that are plant based? Are we returning to the age of the dinosaur? When I go to a fast food hamburger restaurant, I want beef. I do not want a plant that is shaped and colored like beef to be put on my bun. A few weeks ago I wanted to see if a plant based burger tasted like a meat burger. Believe me, it did not. It had a weird taste that was so bad I had to throw my dinner in the garbage. If you want to eat plants, order a salad. Don't try to fool yourself. At the very least, order a veggie burger. Imposters are imposters. I just saw a commercial on plant based butter. I call that product oil. Butter has cream. Butter comes from a cow. Don't misuse the wonderful word of butter by attaching the term plant based. Stop the politically correct food menu. I am not a cave woman.

Perspective

Life is all about perspective. It is about what you see from where you are standing. It is about how something affects you when it has not affected anyone else. We had this discussion in work yesterday. One person thought that my boss flew into the office in a rage, yelling. I thought she walked into the office quietly as she normally does. The other receptionist agreed with me. How could three people see the same event in two separate ways? What I saw was my boss coming in pleasantly as usual and asking the bookkeeper to compare ledger dates with documentation dates. No voices were raised. No attitudes were there. The bookkeeper did not have all of the information and maybe she was caught off guard so her mind tweaked the conversation in a negative way. Whatever the truth is, goes back to the individual.

The Age of Reflection

How old do you have to be to reflect upon your life and see your mistakes? I think that 50 is a good starting point. When we are in our 20's and 30's we can only see how life affects us. We are so busy building a life that we cannot see how what we do can take a toll on others. When we reach 40 we realize that there are other people's feelings in the world and maybe our actions can hurt them, but we do not have enough life skills to fix things. When we get to be 50 and over we see our years on the other side of the mountain. We can feel for other people in a way we never did before. We can see hurt and anger that was unnecessary. We can see that small things were blown up out of proportion and were not relevant to anything. Sometimes we are lucky and can mend fences. Sometimes the fences that we need to mend are no longer there. That is something that can haunt us forever.

Vote

Today is election day. It is your responsibility to vote. If you do not place your vote, you are in essence voting for the other party. People do not realize that. Read the papers. Find out what the candidates stand for and how it will effect you and make your decision upon that. If you do not vote you do not have the right to complain.

Missing Product

It has happened again. A product that I love has been discontinued. I have been drinking matcha tea for the last few weeks. It promotes a healthy stomach while helping you burn fat. Matcha is a tea that is grown in the shade and dried, then ground into a fine powder. It is sold in all coffee shops in the form of tea or smoothies. The only down side is that it is expensive. I found it at a reasonable rate and bought it from a company for a few months. All of a sudden I cannot find the company online. The packing slip did not have a telephone number. Now I am on a search for matcha tea at a reasonable price. I should have just bought a ton of it when it was available.

Misplaced

It has happened again. I put something in a safe place and cannot remember where it is. It is nothing earth shattering, but it is something that I need for a craft project and if I do not find it, I will have to rebuy it. I am sure that the moment I open the new package, the old one will pop out from thin air to taunt me.

God Bless America

Last night I had dinner with my family. There were four generations at the table, from my father, to me, to my son to my grandchildren. After dinner my father was talking to my grandson about singing songs. He asked if my grandson liked to sing and he said that he did. They decided to sing a song together. I was busy clearing the table and by the time I got back into the room, it was too late to make a video. The song they were singing was "God Bless America". My father chose the song and my grandson knew the words to it. It was a wonderful moment in time to see two people ages 96 and 6, singing a patriotic song. This is America at its best.

November

I cannot believe that it is November. It seems like just yesterday was Halloween. It was. The weather was dreary and not many trick or treaters came to my house. I was left with a bag of Kit Kat's and a few Smarties. I am not ready to commit my mind to winter. My memories of the town pool are still fresh and are fighting as they are pushed out of my brain. As each  day passes, I am one step closer to life changes and that scares me. For all I know, these changes may be wonderful but there is an unknown attached to them that worries me. I guess I have to heed the advice I tell my patients. Focus on the now. Life is easier that way.