Family Historian

I am the self appointed family historian. I want to know my family's roots. I have filled a book chronicling the arrival from Europe. I have documents and pictures to match. Yesterday at my parents house my sister found a red box. Inside it was a picture album that my mother meticulously put together. The pictures are from 1935 on. They show her family from teenage years until young adulthood. There are pictures of people I had never seen before. By putting together the stories I know, I can put names to the faces. I will place each photograph into my Family History book and clearly label who the people are. So many people have unlabeled pictures that are tossed away because no one knows who the people are. A cousin of mine from California sent me all of the pictures of her parents and our mutual grandparents and great-grand parents. She is a widow who never had children and for years worried that these precious pictures would be tossed in the garbage when she died. She now knows that they will be kept in a book to be passed on to my grandchildren. I feel a connection to my ancestors. I see my face in theirs. I will try to keep their memories alive.

Sunday With Dad

I am up, dressed and ate breakfast. At 8:15 my sister will pick me up to go to Brooklyn to take my father to dialysis. This is the second Sunday that this schedule is being changed because of the New Years holiday. We will drop him off and go to his house to straighten up. A few hours later we will pick him and give him lunch. Next week he will be back on track.

Spring Like

It is 51 degrees outside. It is winter but feels like spring. When I walked Shelby this morning, I thought it was April. The air had the springtime quality that feels wonderful after a long winter. Then I realized that the long winter had not even begun yet. Years ago I would check the Farmer's Almanac to see what type of winter it would be. It was usually correct. With all of the internet apps that is no longer necessary. I just hope it is a fast season.

Rain, Rain

It is another rainy Friday and soon I will be on the road to get my father from dialysis. Whether it rains or shines, the ride is still my quiet time. The car knows the way by itself so all I need to do is navigate the wheel. It is a deja vu day. I park in the same spot, see the same people, make the same polite conversation and get back on the road to Long Island. I like Fridays. Having a routine is a good thing.

Easily Forgotten

I am off of work from Dec 24 to Jan 2. I have already forgotten about my office. Last night I got a text from the evening receptionist asking if she could leave early as all of the patients had left. For a moment, I did not realize what day it even was. I forgot that my office was open. I have not thought about the people or the place. For the past few days it is as if they do not exist. I am playing the role of a retired person for one week and can see how easy it is to detach from a working life. I am not sure if I like it or not.

Backing Up

I am off this week and trying to do everything that I can to tie up loose ends. This morning I decided to put all of my important computer folders onto a flash drive. In case my computer crashes I am safe. Although the cloud is good, when I transferred my telephone contacts they were lost in the "clouds" so I no longer trust it. Everything backed up well and I do not have to worry if my computer breaks. One less thing on my list.

Christmas

This is the first Christmas in 14 years that I have not been in New England. It was a hard year for me, traveling almost every day to Brooklyn for months and now doing it twice a week. I saw my granddaughters last week and it was just too hard to make the drive again. I am now rethinking that decision. I miss the holiday with them. I miss seeing them open their gifts. I miss the family dinner. I miss the day. Next year, hopefully I will be there with them. It does not matter if you celebrate the holiday. You can still celebrate the family.

Move It Along

Today starts the official holiday week. I want to move the season along. I am looking forward to 2019 and all the good things it will bring. After today I will be off for a few days. I need them to just sit and do nothing. I have been running on the hamster's wheel for almost a year and the thought of sleeping a little later and having to be nowhere it a good one.

Up Early

We had a wonderful time at my party. Good food and even better company. I enjoyed every second of it. Now I am up early to go with my sister to take my father for dialysis. For the next two weeks he goes on Sunday instead of Monday, due to the holidays. We will drop him off and go shopping on "the avenue". It looks like nice weather.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. It is the first one without my mother. At 5:23am (the time I was born) my eyes opened. I said the phrase my mother had repeated for my entire life, "Thank you, Dr. Pace". She said that when I was born. When the doctor said I was a girl, she said thank you to him. We always laughed that he had nothing to do with me being a girl, but I guess in those days no one looked too deeply into things. She only wanted two girls and she was given the gift of a second daughter sixty three years ago today. It will be a hard birthday without her. I used to look forward to my parents singing the happy birthday song to me. We used to call them Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. When people in work would ask me what I got for my birthday I would say that having my parents sing to me and still being able to say the phrase, "Mommy and Daddy", was the only gift I wanted. This year I realized that I do not need any gifts. All I want is for my family to be healthy and happy. No material things are needed. The phrase, "Peace on earth and good will toward man", sums up what is really important.

Good Timing

Yesterday my sister and I visited my mother at the cemetery. We had the visit planned as it was the six month anniversary. We are never sure where the grave is, but we always find it right away. As we walked towards the area, we noticed that there was a headstone there. We had ordered one but had no idea when it would be set. We visited with her and filled her in on what has been going on. Then we noticed that the silicone on the stone looked wet. We went to the office and asked when the stone was placed there. The lady said it had been done just before we arrived. What timing.

Six Months

Today is six months since my mother died. It does not seem real. The time flew and dragged all at the same time. I still look at her pictures and think that she is alive and well in Florida. I do not think that my father will realize what today is and we will not tell him. There is no point to it.

Scent

We all have a different sense of what smells good to us. For the holidays, I bought a bulb plant for my boss. When I brought it home it looked like a bunch of scallions. I watered it every day for two weeks and it grew 5 inches and began to flower. When it did, it gave off the worst smell. To me it smelled like a putrid plant. I could hardly take the smell and couldn't wait until yesterday when I could bring it to work and give it away. I left it on her desk and the room filled with the stench. An hour later when my boss came in, she saw the plant and told me that it had the most wonderful perfume smell. She loved it. She said that it filled the room with a beautiful smell. I guess that we all have our sense of what smells nice to us. What I thought was disgusting, she thought was fantastic.

Holiday Party

Today is the annual work holiday party. I am sure it will be like all the rest. A group of people who have nothing in common, sitting in a room eating so so food. After a bit of silence, they will begin to talk about their patients. I will watch the clock until it is time to clean up.

The Yearbook

Remember the World Book Yearbook? Every year we would wait for the yearbook to arrive in the mail. As we opened the book, we could smell the knowledge. We would check to see what new words made it into the Webster's dictionary. Then we would look at which famous people passed away that year. We would then go page by page to see what information was added into the encyclopedia. It was so exciting. It was an event that lasted a few days as there was so much to read. My children and grandchildren will never know that feeling. All they need to do is keyword a subject and there it appears.

The Grinch

The Grinch party was a success! Even the Grinch showed up. The party was in full swing when the doorbell rang. Someone answered it and let the Grinch in. He ran up the stairs and went right for the birthday gifts. In one swoop he gathered them up and ran. Everyone was agast! The baby cried. How could this happen? A moment later the Grinch had second thoughts and returned the gifts. Everyone was happy again. He even posed for pictures with the children. The party was back to normal and everyone had a great time, even the Grinch!

Party

This afternoon is my granddaughter's sixth birthday party. I spent last night babysitting for the girls. I think I had more fun than they did. We ate dinner and played games. I put them into their pajamas and played some more. They are so much fun to be around!

Birthday Weekend

In a little while we will be on the road to see our granddaughters. The car is packed with gifts, and Shelby will be dropped off at his puppy hotel. I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend that is very much needed.

Fast Day

I just got up and hope the day flies by. I want to go to work and come home to pack for my weekend away. Tomorrow morning we will be going to New England for my granddaughter's birthday party. I need something happy to look forward to. I have been in the same routine for months and desperately need a change of atmosphere. My sister will hold down the fort for three days so I can relax and enjoy myself. I can't wait.

Six

My granddaughter is six today. She was born on the magical date of 12/12/12. She is a magical girl. She is the perfect blend of pretty, smart and playful. Since she was born, she has had a way about her that makes you think she is older. A certain wiseness. Some of the things she says make you wonder if she is really her age. She is my first grandchild and with that comes a special responsibility. She opened the world of grandparenting to me, a world that you do not believe exists until you arrive there. You think you know what this world is and when you get there you are so pleasantly surprised. I will see her this weekend for her birthday party and cannot wait to soak in every minute of her and her sister.

Training

This morning I will do a mandatory employee training on Sexual Harassment and Bullying. By January 2019, all employers must have a new policy in their guidelines and prove to the state that a training has been done. My presentation will be one hour and interactive. At the end,we will take a quiz and sign it as proof that all were in attendance. It is a course on common sense and good manners. People who lived in my generation lived by a different work standard. Everyone had the right to say stupid things and put their hands where they were not wanted. If the other person did not like it, tough luck. If you complained, you were being a baby. If it got real bad, you left. Now we are being asked to tiptoe around everyone else's feelings. I believe in the live and let live theory. Don't bother me and I won't bother you.

Ghost Buster

Back in June, a family picture had an angel orb on it. An angel orb is a circle that cannot be seen by the naked eye but is picked up in photographs. We all said that is was my mother. When I was in Florida, my husband went room  to room taking pictures but nothing appeared. For the past few weeks he has been wanting to take pictures at the Brooklyn house. Yesterday he brought the camera with us and as soon as we got into the house he began snapping away. When we got home, he downloaded the pictures. We looked at them together. Nothing in the living room, nothing in the two bedrooms and nothing in the bathroom. Then we got to the last picture. My father was standing between the kitchen and dining room totally unaware that a picture was being taken. Floating above his head were two angel orbs. We were shocked. My mother is in their house watching over him. In death as in life, she never left him.

The 1%

I was at Rite Aid yesterday waiting to check out and was standing behind what looked like a normal woman. She was having a regular conversation with the cashier. As she was done, she said that she had the worst nasal drip. I said that I did also. That is when she started to ramble. She said that if we all look at the sky, we can see the slight white line. We all looked out of the front window but had no idea what she was talking about. The she said that the 1% elite in the world were trying to get rid of the rest of the world so they can have it for themselves. She said that is why everyone is getting a cold and nasal drip. It is a plot to kill us off. I was thinking that the drip was from it being winter and the dry air, but I kept that to myself and let her continue to talk. Everyone on the line was just looking at her and the cashier was praying that the woman would just take her bag and leave. She continued to discuss her conspiracy theory as if it was reality. Finally she left. The cold and flu season is why people are getting sick and if the 1% elite want to have this world all to themselves, "Gay gezinte heit". It is all yours.

Better to Give

Yesterday I picked up my father from dialysis and dropped his aide off at the bus stop to go home. At dialysis I sat with her and we chatted for a while. She is a very nice woman who is kind and caring towards my father. She noticed the necklace that I wear everyday. It is a hand painted bee in a flower garden. I wear it for my mother. She asked where I got it and I told her that I made it. She asked how much I would charge to make her one. I said that I would love to make her one, but it would be as a gift. She was surprised and happy. I am just about finished with her bee and will give it to her tomorrow when I bring my father home to Brooklyn. Giving a gift feels better than making a sale.

My Own Doctor

For the past few weeks, I have had a "sinus thing" going on. I have been to the doctor three times. I know what needs to be done but since I cannot write my own prescriptions, I need to let them treat me first. This season many people are suffering from the same thing. Years ago you got a penicillin shot in your behind and you were cured. I have had two treatments with Prednisone and after each one ends, the sinuses act up again.  I know what the right medication is. I need antibiotic. I do not want to hear about "viral" symptoms. After three weeks, we need to bring out the real medications. I want Augmentin 875mg x 2 day. This morning I will go back to the doctor and demand my antibiotics. I gave them a chance 3 times now I need to step in.

Dormant People

Lately I have such crazy dreams. It is odd enough to have them, but for some reason people from the past have been appearing in them. The people are ones that have no significance in my life and never did. They are college friends and friends I worked with forty years ago. Why are they lying dormant in my brain waiting to come out and play at night? What nerve endings are they attached to? If you really sit and think about it, where are memories stored? We know that we have a brain that consists of grey matter and swirls, but I cannot fathom the actual workings of it. Other organs are easy to decipher. Blood runs through veins, air fills the lungs, food flows through the digestive system. These are all concrete functions. The brain is another story that I cannot truly figure out. My brain can't solve the question of my brain.

Great Day Off

Yesterday I accomplished everything I needed to do and more. I have a clean slate of errands. I did all of my holiday shopping and even wrapped the gifts. Other than my family, no one else really deserves a gift but we are all guilted into buying something for people because it is expected of us. Every year I buy gifts with my receptionist, but this year I decided to go it alone and I did well. I got the most for my money, a better ROI. This morning I am back to work, but with a clearer head.

Day Off

I have the day off today. My boss wants everyone to use their days off before the end of the year so I have three more days to go. I plan on leaving them for the last three days of the year just in case I need them before that. Hopefully not. As each day goes by, my boss is getting weirder and weirder. She is changing rules and thinking up crazy things to try to rebuild her business. She is 66 years old and has nothing else in life, so she is desperately trying to figure out her future. She is not seeing the big picture though. She is alienating her loyal staff. This year alone, five of her doctors have walked out on her to start their own practices. If she was nice, they would still be with her. My receptionist and I are now 63 and could walk out at any given moment, being social security age. Her one last hope is starting a PhD program in September. When you stop considering the feelings of others, the house of cards tumbles down. And the cheese stands alone.....

Jam Packed December

December is like the bottom of the jelly jar. It needs to be scraped clean in order to put it aside and feel like you have gotten the most out of the year. Sometimes it takes a little extra effort when you reach the bottom of the glass. There is a bit more jelly than I would like in this year's jar, so I need to get my spatula out this week and use a heavy hand when scraping.

Rainy Day

It is another rainy day. For the past few months the weather has been off and on. One day nice, one day miserable. The ups and downs of the weather reflect the ups and downs of my life. I would like to find a mid range so I can just settle down and regroup a bit.

One to Go

Eleven down, one to go. It is December. This year flew by and dragged on. I want it to be over and done. The year 2018 was not a good one for me. January started off great with the birth of my beautiful granddaughter. From February on, it has been a nightmare. Sickness, death and sadness have prevailed. I feel like I have had no peace of mind. My days and weeks flow from figuring out one problem to solving another. I am not the only one that this has happened to but none the less, it is grueling. I have a few nice weekends planned for this month so hopefully it will end on an upbeat note.

Back on Track

After a six week break, hopefully today we will get back on track with our usual weekend schedule. I will be going to Brooklyn to get my father and bring him to Long Island as we did for the entire summer. I have a delicious dinner planned. All I want is to see him sitting in my living room, reading the paper and snoozing.

The Letter

This is the time of the year when students apply for graduate school. A letter of recommendation can help the process. My director pulls a lot of weight at her old college where she is an adjunct professor although she has not actually taught in years. She had to write three letters this semester for her three research assistants. One was a solid letter, one was a bit exaggerated and the other she had the student write herself. She liked the idea of a self written recommendation so much that she decided to incorporate it into the hiring process. A candidate for employment was asked to write a recommendation letter for herself and email it to the doctor and then the decision to hire would be made. The letter will be scrutinized to see the self esteem level and writing skills. People are usually humble when they write about themselves and do not want to look to conceited. I have no idea what this exercise is accomplishing. If I were the new employee, I would write, "I am great. Hire me. If you do not, you are a moron". 

Early Bird

I accomplished everything I needed to yesterday. I decided to start the day early to have extra time and not be in a rush. That decision paid off. We got to the radiology office and it was empty. Within five minutes the line was out the door. We were home within one hour. I brought homemade soup for lunch and fed my father early. He was done eating at 11:45am. A home care nurse was scheduled for 1-2pm. At 11:50am she knocked on the door. The visit was done by 12:30pm and I visited a bit longer. I was back on the road at 1pm and drove home without traffic.

Day Off

Today I am not going to work, but I will have a full day anyway. I am off to Brooklyn to take my father to the doctor for a checkup and then have him evaluated for other healthcare services. I was only going to take a half day but realized that I do not want to be rushed and it would not be good for my father to pack too much into one afternoon. His aide is there and that helps me out alot. Parking in Brooklyn is not good, but with her along for the day she can walk him in to the doctor's office while I park the car. Every little thing helps out.

The Grinch

After a long holiday weekend I am returning to work. I am beginning to feel like the Grinch. Holiday season is approaching and I have no feeling about it. Last week, for the first time in 15 years, I forgot to get my receptionist a birthday gift. As of yet I have made no effort to do so. I have been sick with a nasty virus and lack the energy to do anything. I am at the point where I will say, "I forgot your birthday, you forget mine. Let's regroup in 2019".  My birthday is smack in the holiday season and this year without my mother, it seems kind of blah. I understand the Grinch. He had a good point.

Tough Customer

I have always been a non controversial person in a controversial world. Other people state their opinions when something is not to their liking. I never wanted to rock the apple cart. I decided that it is not so bad to be a rocker. If I see something that is not right, I can let someone know. If something is not to my liking, what is so wrong about having it corrected? I saw a poster the other day and took a picture of it. It said, "Some people may say that I am a beautiful soul. Some people may say that I am a horrible person. Believe them both. I do not treat people the same. I treat them accordingly".

Old Time Medicine

I am still sick from an upper respiratory "thing". I visited the doctor on Wednesday and was told that it was a virus that it had to run its course. I am still feeling bad so I will go back today and see if the virus has turned bacterial. Years ago if you had a cold they gave antibiotics. Many years ago it was a shot in your behind. I don't care what the new school of thought is, I want my antibiotics! Nothing gets better without them. I do not care if I have a virus. When the virus knows that antibiotics are coming, it seems to pack up its tiny bag and go.

Shopping Weekend

This is a big weekend for shopping. Yesterday as we  drove to New Jersey, we saw people lined up in 20 degree weather waiting for JC Penney to open. I think that this whole idea of stores opening up early on Thanksgiving is unfair to many people. It is unfair to the workers that should be home with their families. It is unfair to the people who are trying to save money and have no alternative than to stand outside like cattle waiting to be fed.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is the day we are supposed to be thankful. I am thankful for the life I had and for the life I have. This is the first Thanksgiving without my mother. Normally my parents were in Florida by now so they had not spent the holiday with the family in 16 years. My father is well enough to take the trip to New Jersey and enjoy the food and the company. The weather is gorgeous for a drive. I finished making the stuffing and will get on the road by noon.

Cold Season

I have the first official cold of the season. Last year I never had one. I believe that sitting for 10 hours at the airport in recirculated air is responsible for the condition. My husband has come down with the same cold at the same time so there must be something to my theory. Recirculated air is not cleaned, it is just moved around. I will bet that there are a lot of sick travelers this week.

The Thinker

I think I might move to Paris. I am applying for the job of replacing Rodin's statue, The Thinker. I already have the qualifications. Lately, I sit hunched over with my hand on my chin and think about how I will solve other people's problems. It is a never ending job, which is why the statue never leaves its foundation. It is made of bronze because it has to weather all storms and stay strong. I think I can do that. I already am. Yesterday I returned to work and the simplest of issues were still unresolved. I spent the first part of the morning fixing them. Then I moved on to personal dilemmas. I had to think about how to get a medication for my father that the retail drug stores cannot. Shouldn't this have been the task of the doctor's office? They had no idea what to do. I did research and found the answer and then relayed it to the people that should have been the ones to solve the problem in the first place. All I do is sit and think, day in and day out. 

Back To The Office

It is my first day back to work and I wish that I could just stay in bed and hide under my covers. I have not been there for 10 days and realize that my job is the least important facet of my life. Family is #1 and there is no #2. We are adjusting to my dad being home again and I can sense he is scared. A hospital gives you a sense of safety even though no one wants to be there. I will go to work and pretend that I care about my job. All I want to do is have a few days of peace and quiet.

Back To Some Normalcy

My father was released from rehab yesterday. People think that being released is an easy process. Just pack your bag and walk. That is not the case. There are preparations and instructions that need to be in place. All in all, the process took close to six hours from beginning to end. There were a few glitches along the way, but they were ironed out quickly. My father is at his house until Wednesday when we will get him for the Thanksgiving weekend. He is slowly acclimating to being home again. When you are in a facility setting for a while you forget what freedom is. I guess that is why jails have halfway houses. The transition needs to move at a slow pace until things are back to what they used to be.

I Am Back

I am back, literally and figuratively. After a grueling week in Florida I am back home. As the saying goes, "There is no place like home". We worked for days cleaning out the apartment and when we left everything was done. It is a bit heartbreaking to see someone's life being reduced to a bunch of Hefty bags.

Seeing Dad

It has been a week since I saw my father. When I arrived at the rehab he was so glad to see me. We went over what I had done in Florida and he was happy that everything was finished and in place to sell. I was never so glad to see his face.

Long Trip

After fourteen hours, I am back home. I got to the airport at 10am for a 12pm boarding time. The flight was delayed until 2:30 pm, then 3:45, then 7:50, then 8:14 and finally 7:29. There were an array of excuses: air traffic control, weather, crew etc. After 5 hours, we were given a bag of chips and water to quiet us down. It felt like I would never leave the airport, like Tom Hanks in the movie "Terminal".

Still Packing

We are almost done packing. I hate to use the word overwhelming but it is the only word that fits the last few days. People take weeks to do what we have done in days. We are at the finish line and just want to go back home knowing that we accomplished the job we set out to do.

For Sale

The condo has been put up for sale. I signed with the real estate agent and have begun the process of donating items to a mission. The agent said she would help me with whatever I needed. Only time will tell.

Day 1

A Pandora's box has opened. You never realize how much stuff a person has accumulated until you need to clean it out. Things that seemed important at the time, look foolish now. Rubber bands, paper clips, note pads, magazines are among the treasured items that need to need addressed. It is mind boggling.

Travelers

This morning I am going to Florida. My husband and I have different ideas when we travel. I like to get to the airport early. I leave enough time to account for traffic. He does not understand why we need to do this. What is the big deal to get up a half hour early?

Packing

Today I am packing for my trip tomorrow to Florida. It is not the usual vacation packing. It is packing for a purpose. I will be going through my parent's apartment and deciding what items need to be donated and what items need to be taken home. I want to be as prepared as possible so I am bringing  bubble wrap, tape and bags with me. I know I could buy them when I arrive, but that means going to a store and wasting time. Time is precious as I want to get the job done quickly and get home. It will be hard returning to a place where I had such good memories for 16 years. The ghosts of the past will be everywhere. There will be no internet or television as they were shut off for the summer season over a year ago. I guess I will take the extra time to reflect on happier memories.

Meeting

This morning I will have a team meeting at the rehab my father is in. They have given me a target date for his release. I have another target date in mind. My arrow is the only important one as the target I am aiming for is the target that counts. He is getting good care there, but I feel that one week more is all he needs. They would like two. I see no reason to extend his stay. He is doing well and all of the services he is getting there will be provided for at his own home. He needs to be back in his own environment. There is no place like home.

Mr. Right Now

Once again we are hiring for a receptionist position. The last one walked out after being told she was not doing something right. It makes it easier for me because I was going to fire her anyway. She decreased her hours from 20 to 5 and we tried to accommodate her, but it just was not working out. We interviewed a nice young man and although he did not have medical office experience, he had a solid educational background and was very personable. He could have been molded into the employee that we need. He then interviewed with the doctors and they thought he was nice, but a bit inexperienced. They interview as if it is a psychological consultation, which is not fair. When I asked if they would hire him, the response was, "I do not think his parents would want him to only work part time". What? His parents? What kind of dumb ass answer is that? He is a 22 year old college graduate. He is not in first grade and needs mommy and daddy's permission.

No Time For Sleep

I got up extra early today. Since I am going to Florida on Sunday, I need to be totally prepared. I am writing paper notes and taking mental notes. My notes are growing notes. I need to make sure that I have everything I need, as I will not be going to Florida again.

Stressed

It is official. I am so stressed that I have no idea what I am doing. This morning I brushed my teeth with zinc oxide. I grabbed a tube and squeezed the contents onto my toothbrush. It looked a bit dry and I attributed it to not closing the tube tightly. As I started to brush, it felt very creamy. When I did not taste mint, I realized that something was wrong. That is when reality kicked in. I had put zinc oxide on the brush. I have so much on my mind that I did not pay attention to what I was doing. Not good. I started to gag and stuffed my mouth with tissue paper to wipe away the mess. I then threw out my toothbrush and grabbed the toothpaste. I brushed so hard that my gums are now bleeding. I can just tell what kind of day it will be.

Short Days

If finally feels like Autumn. The days are short and due to my new responsibilities, I am driving in the dark. The days have that winter feel even though the temperature is still a bit warm.

Sweet Dreams

I cannot remember the last time I had "Sweet Dreams". I used to be a good dreamer. Everything was pleasant. I would wake up with happy thoughts. Lately, I have upsetting dreams. They are not nightmares, they are just upsetting and sad. I am in unhappy places with unhappy people. I wake up feeling unsettled. My dreams used to be my happy place. I no longer have that.

New Neighbors

Today my neighbors from across the street are moving. I hope the new ones are better than the old. The old ones were inconsiderate people. They used to block the sidewalk with their cars making it difficult for people to walk down the block. They never shoveled their snow. Other neighbors wound up doing it for them just to have clear paths. Their son once broke my garage light and a million shards of glass lined my driveway. His father just walked away leaving me to clean it up. It turns out they were also slumlords. I found that out when the City of New York sent investigators to their house and spent all day sitting in their car waiting for them to come home. We have not spoken to them for about 26 years. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Sleep Away*College*Rehab

There are times in our lives when we have to leave a loved one in a place that is right for them, even if they are not happy at first. When my children were young, I sent them to sleepaway camp. As I put them on the bus, I could see the fear in their faces. I reassured them. I said that it would only be for a few weeks. They would make friends. I was just doing what was right for them. Then came college. As the dorm room was set up, I could see the anxiety in their faces. I reassured them. It was only for a few years and they would be home on many breaks and the summers. They would make friends. I was only doing what was best for their futures. Then came rehab for my father. As we arrived there, I could see sadness in his face. I had to reassure him. It was only for a few weeks. He would make friends. I was only doing what was best for him. No matter how old you are or in what stage of life you are at, a new environment is daunting. You just need to go hour by hour and you will adjust and be fine.

November

Today it November. Where did the year go? Today my father comes out of the hospital and goes into rehab. I am exhausted already.

Situational Authority

Authority does not cover a person in all places. A person in power is not in power everywhere. I have seen that clearly in the past few days. My father has been lucky and has very nice roommates. The children of the roommates are people who are in authority in their workplace. They have limited to no authority in the hospital. I hear their parents reprimanding them. Even though the children are in their 60's, their 90 year old parent is still in charge. Yesterday the roommate was scheduled for a test. He waited all day. His son, who has a very high powered job, had no say in the hospital schedule. He was at the mercy of someone else's authority. A person's level of importance changes according to the situation.

New Holiday

There should be a new national holiday. It should be named "iPhone Day". The day after you buy a new iPhone, you need to take the day off. It is like being in a new world. So much to do. So much to learn. I got a new phone yesterday and I am exhausted.

Becoming Modern

Later this afternoon I will be pushed into the modern age and get an iPhone. Since I share a plan with my family, a new offer was too good to pass up. The charge for 2 new phones would be minimal if one person in the plan got a new telephone number and I got a hand me down, practically new, iPhone. I never wanted one of those "new fangled, city slicker whatchmacallits" but sometimes you just need to move on.

CSDM

I want to create a new job title. It would be Common Sense Decision Maker. Every family and workplace would have one. The job duty would be to hear all of the facts of any given situation, weigh the pros and cons and come up with a solid common sense decision. The more I spend time in the hospital visiting my father, the more I see a need for a CSDM. The hospital is wonderful and have the patients care as a priority, but they are looking through different eyes than a CSDM would. I will give you two scenarios. First, the doctors needed to locate where my father's infection was coming from. There were two places that were suspect. One was the arm and the other the heart. They did an isotope test and the arm was ruled out. They then wanted to do an endoscopic test under anesthesia to confirm that it was the heart. Here is where the CSDM comes in (me). I asked what the treatment would be if it was the heart and they said antibiotics. I asked what the treatment would be if it was not confirmed that it was the heart. They said antibiotics. Common sense would dictate that placing a 95 year old under anesthesia to have the same treatment either way, is not necessary. I refused the test and he is getting antibiotics. The next scenario is my father's roommate. He is 93 and came in to the hospital for a fall. After many tests, the doctors are saying he needs a heart valve repair. He has diabetes and is weak. He is now becoming agitated. The doctors are telling the family to take him home for three days to calm him down and bring him back for the surgery. A CSDM would look at the situation and say that a 93 year old diabetic should be left alone and go home with constant care to live out the time he has peacefully. The strain of open heart surgery will be a long hard road to recover from and might shorten his life. What is the benefit of such a radical operation for a man who at best has a few years to live? It is hard to make common sense decisions when emotions are high, so an unbiased person might just be the way to go.

Facts and Plans

In order to have a solid plan, you need good facts. I spent my day yesterday gathering information to form a plan for my father. The more calls I made, the more facts I gathered. By the end of the day I had enough information to make a solid plan. Time will tell if the plan goes through as anticipated, but at least we have a starting point.

Shared Understanding

My father is still in the hospital. Yesterday was a good day for him. He regained his speech but still has his medical issues. Many tests are being ordered. The care and professionalism at the hospital are top notch but there is one thing lacking. They are being clinical and ordering diagnostic tests. I am not being informed about the tests prior to them being done. Yesterday my father refused to go for a test and I was called. I immediately came to the hospital and discussed the benefits of the test with him and I okayed it with the staff. Last night he was told that this morning he was going for another test, this one under anesthesia,  and he called me right away. I called the hospital and told them that no tests are to be ordered without my consent or complete knowledge of why they need to be done. After I fully understand we can proceed. The test was put on hold until I get to the hospital this morning. This is where the concept of shared understanding comes it. Picture two circles. One circle is the doctor who is clinical. One circle is the family who is emotional. Move the circles together until they overlap a bit. That common area is shared understanding. It is when both parties are on common ground. Without shared understanding, there cannot be good communication. Today I will make sure that there is.

One Hour

My father had a bad day yesterday. One condition got better but a new one appeared. We were blindsided. By the time we left the hospital we saw an improvement. We were still upset. A very nice doctor spoke with us. She said to take life one hour at a time. Not one day. One hour. That is what we will do.

New Friends

My mother used to call everyone her friend. If she spoke on the phone to a solicitor or a person from an insurance company or credit card company, they became her friend. She used to tell me, "My new friend Debbie said...". No one ever annoyed her. She never answered a solicitor call and spoke nasty or condescending. She never fought with a representative if they did not give her what she was asking for. She was always kind and even tempered. I never realized what a wonderful quality that was. To her, every human being deserved respect. We used to joke about it with her. We would say that those people were not her friends, that they were just doing their job. Looking back, I wish that I did not say that. I guess for a few minutes in time, they were her friends, because friends treat each other kindly.

Deja Vu Again

I spent most of the day in the ER with my father. He had not been feeling well for the past few days and we were being conservative about going to the ER. He was seen by a few doctors and getting treatment, but you just know in your heart when the treatment needs to be on a higher level. After 8 hours in the ER, he was admitted. The course of treatment will be the same, but it will be in a controlled environment. I am exhausted today, both mentally and physically.

The Haircut

For some reason, my mother hated when I got a haircut. I think she would have wanted me to be like Rapunzel and have long blonde curls falling down to the ground. Whenever I told her I was getting a haircut she would say, "Why are you cutting your hair? Leave it alone. It looks beautiful. Let it grow". My father never said a word about my hair. The other day my sister and I were talking and I said that I would miss my mother telling me not to get my haircut. I spent the weekend with my father and when it was time to leave him at my sister's house yesterday, I said that I was going to get a haircut. Out of nowhere my father immediately said, "Why are you cutting your hair? Leave it alone. It looks beautiful. Let it grow". My sister and I looked at each other. It was as if my mother's words were coming out of my father's mouth. It made me feel happy to hear them.

On Duty

I am at my sister's house with my father. As Murphy's Law would have it, he got a virus the day she left. We are at her house because he is more comfortable there. She will be home this afternoon and we will decide if we will take him back home or keep him hostage one more day.

Late Entry

I try not to miss a day writing. Today the entry is very late. I have been taking care of my father and was not near a computer. The first chance I got to be on one I am writing. That's consistency.

Lobster Bisque

I have a wonderful recipe for lobster bisque. It takes 15 minutes but tastes like it took hours. It is restaurant quality. This morning I am making it to take to my father. I am sleeping at his house tonight and taking him to Long Island tomorrow. I wanted him to have a special dinner tonight. I got up early and the soup is all ready to be cooked. Sometimes a small thing like a special soup can make someone's day happy.

Forced Charity

The charity event this Tuesday, at the upscale mall, went well. It went well for one reason. My boss and her staff bought the items that resulted in the 20% donation from the store. What was the purpose of that? My boss bought a small clutch bag for $458. Another doctor bought the smallest useful thing she could find for $300. Other family and friends were also shamed into buying items they did not need or really want. The 20% donation probably added up to $500 or so. If each person that attended the event gave a $50 donation to the charity, the amount would have been higher and they would not have an expensive needless item in their closet.

Trip Booked

Yesterday I booked my trip to Florida. It is a trip that I have been putting off but knew it was inevitable. The trip is to clean out my parent's apartment so it can be sold. I spent 16 wonderful years vacationing there so I hate to spend the 17th year on a somber note. The apartment is filled with wonderful memories and happy times. I will have to make the decision of what gets donated, what comes home and what gets carted away. I am sure that I will relive each memory as I do it. It is too hard to take my father with me and i know that upsets him. He is better off remembering how it was rather than how it will be.

The Event

Today is a special event in my office. A store at the Americana Mall has agreed to partner with us for a charity event. They will donate 20% of their purchases to our non profit charity. Sounds great, right? Now here is the catch. The event time is from 5pm - 7pm only. The consumer does not get any discount and the items are very expensive. The store did not want any flyers on their premises to let the public know when the event was. We are not allowed to hand out flyers at the mall as there is a no solicitation policy. Do the math. It is dinnertime on a Tuesday and no one knows about it other than my office and our patients, who can barely afford our fees, much less have extra cash for a $300 pair of shoes. I am curious what the final donation total will be.

The Eyes

Do you know what color people's eyes are? Have you ever looked into your family or friends eyes and focused on the color? Yesterday as we were at the pumpkin patch we started to discuss eye colors. My baby granddaughter has blue grey eyes. My immediate family has blue eyes but in various shades. We have light blue, grey blue and sky blue outlined with black. Since a baby's eye color can change, we were looking into each other's eyes to see which color they most resembled. When my son looked into my eyes, he commented that he never noticed how blue they were. He has been looking at me for almost 35 years but never took a good look. I realized that most of us do not.

Pumpkin Patch

Today is the annual pumpkin patch day. Every year since my grandson was born, both sides of the family get together and go to the pumpkin patch. This year my baby granddaughter will join us. It is a day of fun looking through a child's eyes. There will be a hayride, good food, apple cider and other fun games. Since my grandson is now 5 years old, he can join in on everything. I am dressing warm as we will be out all day. Thank goodness the weather is beautiful.

Faith

The definition of faith is believing in something you cannot see or touch. You know it is there even if it is not tangible. If you ask most people if they believe in G-d, they say yes. They worship in many ways at many places but they do believe. If you ask people if they believe in angels or spirits, there is a split decision. Some people will and some people won't. G-d has angels, so if you believe in him shouldn't it just go down the line that you believe in them? Certain circumstances this week have reinforced my beliefs in angels and spirits. The circumstances were not by faith but by tangible means. I am more comforted than ever.

State of Being

My sister has been researching tombstones. It has been a few months since my mother died and we will need to place a stone at her grave. Since there are different sizes and thicknesses, she went to the cemetery to see what the other family members had. For some people a cemetery is an eerie place. For us it is a peaceful one. When she came home she called me to discuss the measurements and in the course of the conversation she said something enlightening. She said that the people in the cemetery were "at rest" but the people still alive were "at stressed". How profound.

Perfumed Lady

Perfumes are nice when they are not overpowering. For some reason my boss and some of her patients wear the worst scents you can imagine. My boss buys her perfumes in Turkey as does one of her patients. They have the weirdest smell. If I had to describe it, it would be a mix of incense, smelly cheese and insecticide. The scent lingers in the air for hours. Yesterday one of her patients gave her a check that should have come to the office. The check smelled. It sat on my desk stinking up the area. I posted it quickly so I could move it to someone else's desk. Right now it is in a lock box smelling up other paperwork.

A System

Things work better when you have a system in place. A system is like a puzzle. You have many pieces to a problem and they need to fit together to get the perfect picture. Some people will look at the pieces and randomly try to place one piece after another together, getting nowhere. Occasionally two pieces fit and the person thinks that things are going well. Then there are the people that look at the pieces and realize that you need to start with the edges, build the frame and then continue to build in an orderly fashion. I am the edger. My boss is the random builder. Over the years I have tried to tell her that the edges must go first, but she just can't see that. Once again, her pieces are in a mess. Yesterday, I just ignored the problem and kept on typing a report as other workers tried to help.

News Worthy

I stopped reading the newspaper years ago. Nothing in it was ever good. I keep up with current events through the internet. That way I only read what appeals to me by the titles. I always read current events first. Then I move on to human interest stories only if they look like happy ones. I bypass sports and sad toned articles. Yahoo news usually has a good mix. This morning the mix was on such opposite ends of the spectrum it was almost laughable. One article was about people killed in a limo crash. Another article was about a lawsuit against a soda brand. It was a light day for politics. I guess the Democrats were still laying in bed with cold compresses on their foreheads. Then came the article that put everything into perspective. Kim Kardashian was upset at the outfits her sisters wore in Japan. People in the real world were grieving death and people in Kim's world were grieving fashion. I just might have to give up news altogether and retreat to a cave.

Post Cards

I still find treasures at my parent's house. Yesterday I was looking through some desk drawers when I came across three postcards. They were postmarked December 1917. They were from my grandfather to my grandmother. It was before they were married. She lived in Brooklyn and he lived on the lower east side of Manhattan. I have no idea what the cards said as they were written in Yiddish. I would like to find someone who reads Yiddish to have it translated. My father used to read Yiddish but I am not sure if he remembers it. If he did, he would have read them to me yesterday when I showed them to him. The cards made me wonder about what was happening in my grandparent's lives at that time. Where did they meet? How often did they see each other? The cards were full of words, so many that my grandfather wrote on the side of one like a frame. I put the cards into my family album, added to the rest of my history.

Improving

Today my husband seems a bit better than yesterday. After having surgery, most people are fooled into thinking that they are recovering faster than what the reality is. The day after surgery your body is still in a confusion. Things have been done to it that your body was not expecting. It takes another day to realize that an adjustment has to be made. Friday was a good day for my husband, but Saturday was another story. It hit him like a ton of bricks. We thought we would have to go to the emergency room. I called the doctor and monitored him all day. Slowly, he came around. This morning seems to have started off well. Now he is on the road to recovery.

One of a Kind

I like certain things to be unique. No one else has it, only me. I can do that with my jewelry. I want to wear a special pendant that will have meaning to me. I can easily buy it but I won't unless I try to make it first. It needs to be the type of piece that people will stop me and ask about. Then I can explain the meaning. I have been working for two days on something and it is shaping up nicely. I hope the final product is just want I wanted it to be.

The Bee

I believe in signs from the beyond. I believe that a person's soul lives on forever and that they watch over us. Since my mother died, I have had many signs. They are always the same one. Yesterday she switched things up. My husband had surgery and it was a long day. At 2pm I got hungry but the hospital cafe had already closed for the day. I walked down the block for Chinese food. I ordered my lunch and sat down to eat. I had a bottled water in my bag. I ate a few bites of my food and turned away to get the water bottle. When I looked back to begin eating again, I saw a bee sitting in the middle of my plate, looking up at me. I watched it as it walked in a circle on the string bean. The restaurant was full of people eating. The door was closed. It was odd that a bee would find its way onto my plate. Then it dawned on me. A bee was there with me. A Bea was there with me.

Surgery

After months of not knowing what is causing a constant runny nose, the doctors have decided to do surgery on my husband. It is not nasal surgery as one would imagine. It is spinal surgery. There is a rare correlation with the nasal passages and the spine. Too much spinal pressure on the brain causes your nose to run. Who knew? Last night almost every friend and relative called to wish him good luck. Even my granddaughters in New England made their own call to say they loved "Poppy". That made him very happy. It will be a long day at the hospital and I will not return home until later in the day. It is still undecided if there will be an overnight stay. Hopefully things go smoothly.

Office Behavior

We all have things in our personal life that can upset us. Bringing the upset into an office is not a good thing to do. My receptionist has had a 14 year reputation of nastiness. She is abrupt with the patients and doctors. Since her elderly mother moved into her house the nastiness is kicked up a notch. I used to let it slide because she is a wonderful worker but even I have lost patience. I have warned her for years about her attitude and she behaves for a while, but I guess she cannot control herself long term. Yesterday my boss spoke to me about her behavior and for the first time in 14 years I told her that maybe it was time to ask her to leave. I no longer care about coddling her. She is becoming poison to the office and sometimes it is better to cut ties that continue on.

Investigate All

Every day the smear campaign by a political group gets worse. I am ashamed that they are doing this. If we looked into the backgrounds of all of the accusers we would have to start ten more investigations. No one is perfect and the accusers are far from it. They each have things that they have done wrong and I do not condone any wrong doing by anyone, but to throw stones when you live in a glass house is despicable. Television commercials are now being used to fight back and three major players in this scandal are being exposed for what they are. One lied about being in the armed service. What a disgrace to all veterans. One employed an international spy. Could she also be a spy? One was accused of beating his wife. Has he assaulted others? This is just the tip of the iceberg. I used to cross party lines to vote for a certain Democratic senator because I thought he was an upstanding honest man. I will never do that again because he has shown his true colors. I do not know how these people sleep at night knowing the path of destruction they are on.

Sour Patch Kids

 My sister and I are the Sour Patch Kids. Sour Patch candies have the slogan, "First we are sour, then we are sweet". This morning we were remembering how we acted when my mother was in the hospital. We were on top of everything that was going on. If we saw something that needed to be corrected, we jumped into action in a take charge way. We got things done. Once they were back on track we thanked everyone on the staff for their help. The staff loved us. Every day when we arrived at the hospital, they came in to say hello even if my mother was not on their schedule. It is okay to be sour about something, but you need to follow it up by being sweet. The sweet part is what is always remembered as it arrives at the end and remains in your memory.

The Calendar

Yesterday I saw my grandson at my father's 95th birthday party. I took his hand and walked him into my sister's house. As we were walking, swinging hands, he told me that he had a new calendar. He said it came with stickers. There were smiley faces and frowns. At the end of each day, you put a sticker on the calendar to reflect how the day went. He told me that he was going to put a smile on the day. I said that was great because it meant he was happy to be at great grandpa's party. He said the smiley face was not for that. It was because he saw me.

Happy 95th

Today is my father's 95th birthday. He is still able to enjoy life. He lives in his own home during the week and comes to be with me and my sister for the weekends. He is the same jovial man we all know in public. In private he still grieves for my mother. His grieving will never end. I once heard that it takes 1/2 of the time of the relationship to grieve and move on. That would make him about 134. We are having a party for him today with close family. He is looking so forward to it. He told all of his friends at dialysis that his kids are making a big celebration and what wonderful children he has. In some way, I am sure that my mother will be there but I do not know how she will show us her presence. She loved him too much to not show up.

Perfect Family

The perfect American family used to be a mother, a father, one son, one daughter, one dog and a house with a picket fence. I want to recreate the perfect American family. It needs to be an extended family consisting of all of the above criteria, but then I want to add to it. It needs to be a five family core. Within that core group there need to be one of each of the following:
One doctor
One lawyer
One plumber
One electrician
One accountant
One handyman
Out of the ten adults in the core, the jobs can be held by either men or women. That leaves four slots open for stay at home moms or any extra occupations that will add to society. If you need help, there will always be a family member to look out for you. Of course, there would be no payment made to them because they are your family. This would make the society a kibsocdem society. This stands for part kibbutz, part socialism and part democracy. Everyone's needs would be met.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

I try to stay away from political discussions. I know my opinions and do not have to defend them to other people. As the expressions says, "You do you and I'll do me". I was watching the news yesterday and it seems that one political party wants to change the way our justice system runs. They want it to be, "Guilty until you prove yourself innocent". I thought it was, "Innocent until proven guilty". I cannot defend anyone's actions without knowing the full story. I remember reading about the Salem Witch Hunt and I see it happening all over again. One person claims something and everyone else jumps on the bandwagon. The stories become more outlandish as they grow, like a game of telephone. What started off as a 15 year old possibly touching a female, is now escalating into gang rape. Soon it will be murder. Next genocide. Where will it end? I think I will tell my grandchildren to sit out recess. They may be accused of violence 30 years later if they push someone in the sandbox.

#We All Die Anyway So Who Really Cares

I have my own hashtag thought. #we all die anyway so who really cares. I am tired of all of the world's quibbling and fighting. We have gone from a Puritanical society to a free spirited society and are adjusting back to the Puritanical side. Actions that were commonplace in the "Free 60's", "Wild 70's" and "Disco 80's" are now being scrutinized. They were acceptable and common place then.The rules changed 30 years later when the actions could no longer be adjusted. If a group of disgruntled people were to put anyone's life, who lived in those decades, under a microscope, they would find something. I once insulted a girl after playing tag. I hope that never comes up publicly. When a group of people have a vendetta and an agenda, no one is safe.

Louder But Not Correct

Yesterday I was screamed at by a patient's mother. We have a strict "no show" policy. If you miss an appointment or call in to cancel at the last minute, you still pay. You have the option of a phone session as the time belongs to you. One young girl has cancelled late three times. For the first two we did not charge, but documented that she cannot do it again. The third time we charged the full fee. The reason she canceled was that her phone broke. She was not sick or delayed by traffic. Her phone broke and she wanted to get it fixed. When her mother called, I explained the policy. She flew out of control screaming like a wild woman. At that point I put her on speaker phone so everyone could hear her vile words. This way I had back up when she tries to lie about the conversation. I let her vent uninterrupted, but she was still not happy. After calling the doctor a "child with no discretion" I ended the conversation. I called the director and documented the call. I will hold firm on the charge. Had she spoken softly and kindly I would have refunded her money, but made it clear, directly to the mother, that this was the last time I could do this. When she lost control, I gained power.

Recipe

I cannot wait to eat dinner. Last night I recreated one of my favorite dishes. All of my food network television watching finally paid off. I was able to figure out what ingredients go into a dish. The result was so similar that I was impressed. When I watch the shows and they say that they are adding "a little salt", they mean 1/8 cup. I used to think a little meant a sprinkle. I usually never add pepper but they think it is essential. I learned that for Caribbean flavors I should add cumin. I baked the dish for four hours to make it tender. When it was done cooking at 8pm, I took a taste and had to hold myself back from eating the entire dish. Now I have something to look forward to later.

Winter Atire

Today is the day I switch gears. I have officially worn pants and a long sleeve top. Summer is over. I tried to wait until the last minute to open up my winter closet but I finally had to give in. By changing wardrobes I am also changing gears. The winter mindset has appeared. It feels like yesterday that I was sitting at the pool but it has been weeks. Everywhere I go I am seeing orange and brown. No more red, white and blue. I had a long upsetting year but hopefully this one will bring a clear mind and happy thoughts.

One Moment

One moment can change your life. Every day as I read the internet news, I see stories that could have had a better outcome if the person had only taken one moment to think before they acted. If you want to take a daring picture, take a moment and look around to see if you are safe. If you are fighting with another person, take a moment to think what the penalty would be if you carry through with your actions. If you are saying something that can be misconstrued, take a moment to clarify the thought. All it takes is one moment to change the direction from bad to good.

Carrying On

My sister and I are carrying on the traditions of our parents. Every year at the holidays, my parents visited their parents at the cemeteries. They stood at the gravesites and told their parents about the previous year. They then cleaned up any debris around the site. This year my mother is gone and my father is not walking well. We decided to spend the afternoon doing what our mom and dad did for so many years. We visited the family. When all was said and done, we went to 2 cemeteries and cleaned 15 graves. As we walked along, we saw family members that we had not thought of in years. We stopped, said hello, and cleaned. It was not sad. It was beautiful. Just the thought that I was standing in front of my great grandparent's graves, remembering them, was touching. They will never be forgotten. What we did yesterday was honor our ancestors in the best way we could.

Convenient Shot

It is almost flu season and time for my yearly immunization. Years ago I would call my doctor's office to make sure that they had the vials of medication. Some years they were on back order. I would call every few days. Next I would make an appointment for a visit and wait for a while to be seen. Things are now more convenient. The other day I was food shopping across the parking lot from Rite Aide. I saw a flu shot sign. I walked in, said I wanted a shot, signed a form and sat down. Within a minute the pharmacist came over with an injection and three seconds later I was done. The entire procedure took less than five minutes. My doctor lost a patient visit and I gained extra time.

Sad Day

Today is Yom Kippur. It is the first one without my mother. Last night I said prayers and lit a candle for her. I contemplated writing my blog this morning and then asked myself what my mother would want me to do. She would have wanted me to go on about my day in the usual manner in a happy frame of mind. She was always an upBEAt person who never dwelled on the negative. Tomorrow I will go to see her and visit the rest of my relatives. No one will be forgotten.

One

Yom Kippur begins tonight at sunset. This is the first year that I will light a candle for a family member. I used to have the candles in my closet for my husbands parents. Over the years, he stopped lighting them. If I did not remind him to light them, he never would have. I realized that he needed to be the one to remember them and if he did not, I would not pick up the slack for him. This year I will light a candle for my mother. I looked in my cabinet and saw that there were no candles. I went to the supermarket yesterday to get one. As I walked in the aisle I could see that the shelf where the candles would have been was empty except for one lone candle. Just one. It was sitting in the middle of the empty shelf waiting for me. It was as if it was waiting for me to take it home, almost like it expected me to come and get it. I will light it tonight to remember my dear mother. Her light will shine in my heart forever.

Hidden Items

We all have drawers or cabinets that have hidden items. They were not intended to be hidden, they just made their way to the back of the space as more important things were placed in front. This morning I needed to look for something and climbed onto a chair to look in the back of a top kitchen cabinet. I found new sponges, dishwashing tablets, a nice pitcher and beautiful drinking glasses that I had not seen in 30 years. It felt like I was on a  shopping spree. Maybe later today I will look in other cabinets and see what other hidden treasure lie within them.

Winter Routine

Today starts the winter routine. Instead of spending Sundays at the pool with my father, we will go back to Brooklyn, grocery shop and have lunch. We are trying to break up the week up for him with different activities. His weekday routine needs to remain the same so by mixing things up a bit on the weekends, we feel that it will keep his mind off of sad thoughts.

Supply and Demand

The only way that something actually has value is if someone else will pay you for it. You could own the crown jewels but if no one wants to buy them from you, all you have are shiny stones. Supply and demand also factors in. I found this out last week. My mother in law was a collector of figurines. She loved Royal Doultans and Lladros. Women of her age group bought them like they were status symbols. Some were worth more than others. Everyone wanted the Balloon Lady as she was very colorful. For years they were worth hundreds of dollars each. As her generation passed away, the next generation did not look at the statues with much admiration. They were colorful dust collectors. They began to be sold to antique dealers who scooped them up at fairly good prices. As they years went on and more were sold from estates, the field got flooded. Antique stores stopped buying them because there was not a big market for them. The value plunged. Statues that were once hundreds of dollars are being sold for $30 meaning that the dealer must buy them for $10. Tastes change and with that so does something's worth.

Cap Locks

I never use the cap lock option. I write like a normal person using upper case and lower case letters when necessary. People that use cap lock are lazy. They write in all uppercase like they are yelling. For the past few weeks in work, I have been updating the data system to look correct. It has been a mish mosh of letters for the past 10 years. There are over 3500 accounts to fix and so far I am up to "s". This morning I began to write my blog, which was going to be on a totally different topic and when I read it , iT lOOKED lIKE tHIS, so I got thrown off. My husband is a cap lock offender.

Perception

How we interpret things leads to our beliefs. I can look at something one way and you can see it another. A while back I saw someone wearing a hat. I asked where they got it and they said it was from Denali Park and Preserve in Alaska. I said that is was nice but I wondered why Denali Park would sell hats with a chai symbol. The woman said that it was a picture of a moose, which would make perfect sense. She took off the hat and looked closely at it and said that it did look like the chai symbol. In fact it looked more like a chai than a moose. Since my mind had the reference of a chai, that is what I saw. People who do not have that reference would see a stick figure of a moose. I think it is funny now to think that there are thousands of Alaskans walking around wearing a Jewish symbol on their head.

Virtual Greetings

This year I received many New Year texts wishing my family a happy and healthy holiday. It just dawned on me that New Year's greeting cards have phased out. Years ago, at the holiday season, we all sent out small greeting cards to family and friends. I would write a stack of them and receive that same amount back. Every year I would weed out some people if I did not receive one back the previous year. The pile got smaller and smaller until there were none. Other people that I spoke to about this did the same. I can't remember how long ago it was when the last of the cards were sent. I still have a few new cards in my card box and I know they will remain there forever.

The Tear

I know what my tears look like. I know what my tears feel like. I even know what they taste like. I never knew what they sounded like. I was lying in bed last night thinking about my mother and I began to cry. As I laid there I could feel the tear running down my cheek. Then I heard it. A loud, solid pluck. Like a raindrop. Then came another. Plunk. Then another. Plunk. They were strong heavy sounds. They had weight to them. The weight of my heart was contained in each tear. The heaviness that I feel every day for months was audible. It made the tears come alive and real. That sound will be with me for a long time.

Tired But Happy

I am tired but in a good way. Last night I hosted the holiday dinner and everything went well. The food was great and so was the company. It was a good mix of guests. Some knew each other and some knew of each other. In the end everyone felt like they had new friends. We ate, laughed and enjoyed the children. I had so much left over food that I made goody bags for everyone to take home. I never judge correctly. I bought five chickens and only needed two. Every other tray was half full. I will have dinner for days. The memories will last forever. The first holiday without my mother is done. I thought of her all day so in a way she was right there with me.

5779

This evening begins the Jewish New Year. It starts a 10 day period of introspection and repentance. It ends with Yom Kippur. I am preparing the Rosh Hashanah dinner for my family. I cooked many dishes yesterday and will make more today. Family and friends will also add to the meal. I am not a religious person, but I am an ethnic traditionalist. I just made that word up. It sums up how I live my life when it comes to religion. I am 99.7% Ashkenazi Jew. The other .3% is Eastern European. I would say that is as full blooded as it comes. I pray every day, but not in the temple. I follow the holidays, but in my own way. I feel my spirituality with every breath I take. I worship my way, not the way that anyone else does. That's what is right for me.

Holiday Prep

Today I will begin to prep for the holiday. I will be having family for the first night of Rosh Hashanah. There will be twenty people so I have a lot of food to prepare. This morning I will shop for most of it and spend part of the day cooking. It will be the first holiday without my mother so I have a bit of a heavy heart. Once people arrive I will be in the holiday spirit. It will be a hard day for my father but I am sure that lively conversation will distract him.

The Apple Cart

One change can upset the apple cart. This is an old expression that still holds true. Yesterday my father had a doctor appointment. It was made for the afternoon when his aide would be with him. The taxi ride was made for two hours after her arrival to have a safe time frame. Unfortunately, the aide called in sick. The replacement aide was told to get to his house at 2pm. The taxi was for 2:30pm. The aide got lost and wound up walking around in 92 degree heat a mile away. The taxi came. The aide was not there. The agency got involved. My dad took the taxi alone. The aide had to take 2 buses to get to the doctor's office to meet him. A whole turmoil happened because someone called in sick at the last moment.

Hiding Spot

Sometimes I am too neat. Everything has its place, but sometimes I forget where that place is. I know what I want but I cannot remember where I put it. That is happening to me today. I have some beautiful stationary and I wanted to print something on it. Too bad I forgot where I put it. If I was not looking for it, it would be in plain sight. Since I am searching for it, it is hiding. I searched where it should be, with the rest of my paper and it is not there. After work, I will look where it should not be and I am sure that I will find it.

Accommodate

If someone is nice you will accommodate their request. When I opened my work mail yesterday, there was a letter from my newest receptionist. She works from 3:30 - 8pm, four days a week. She was requesting to work from 5:30 - 8pm on those days. Normally I would say no because who would cover the desk for the two missing hours? She relocated from Florida to New York with two children and is a single mother. She is a hard worker with the most pleasant demeanor. She moved in with a friend until she found a place of her own. The neighborhood was not a nice one and she did not want her daughters to be there. She has been trying to find her own place but does not have enough money. For whatever reason, and  no one is prying, she is now in a homeless shelter. She was offered a full time job and wants to supplement her income with 10 hours at my office. We all had a meeting and decided to rework the shifts to accommodate her. She is that nice. My boss might create a full time position in the next few months for her. She is an employee worth keeping so we are making sure that we can help her stay.

Last Impression

You could do 99 nice things and 1 nasty thing. The one nasty thing is what will be remembered for a long time. After having a wonderful pool season, we gathered together for one last day. The weather was perfect. People came with snacks and drinks. We swam, sunned ourselves, ate and talked. Just before it was time to pack up and leave, one of the group members decided to do something funny. He moved his chair in front of the "town kvetch's" chair. We all thought this was funny because she fought with strangers all summer over their chairs being too close to hers. When she came out of the pool we all waited for her to laugh. Instead she got all huffy and whisked her chair away, grumbling. We all said that it was a joke but she raved on and on about her unhappiness at the unwelcome chair sitting near her chair. The man apologized to her but she did not accept the apology. His wife apologized to her and she was still unrelenting in her anger. Everyone looked at each other, shook their heads and went on with the last bit of the afternoon. When we packed up to leave and said our final goodbyes, all that was remembered of this lady was her bad attitude at the end of the summer. When it comes time for a summer reunion, her name will not be on the list.

Swan Song

Today is summer's swan song. The final hurrah after a long, hot summer. Even though the actual season still has weeks to go, the last day of the pool season marks the end of summer for me. My mother used to say, "It's going to be a good summer", and it was. I rested my mind and body after a long winter and spring. My sorrow was compartmentalized for private moments. In public I allowed myself to enjoy the days. Tomorrow things go back to a regular schedule. It is amazing how fast ten weeks flew by.

Sunny Days

According to the weather channel, it is supposed to be cloudy all day. Unless I am living in an alternate universe, I see the sun. All week I charted the weather because it is the last week of the pool season. All week I saw clouds and rain. Each day the sun shined brightly. I guess it just shows me to never believe anything unless I see it with my own eyes.

Cloud Watcher

This is the last pool weekend and the weather looks bad. The forecast is for cloudy weather and thunderstorms on Monday. I keep looking at the sky in hopes of the sun breaking through. If it is not pool weather at least one of the day this weekend, no one will have said their summer goodbyes. The final weekend at the pool is for last minute bonding that will carry us through the winter. It is a time for the summer photo shoot. So far, in over 30 years, we have not missed that. Maybe the power of my stare will part the clouds.

Busy Body

I was in the town pool yesterday when a woman swam over to me and my sister. She was a very pleasant person who joined our conversation. She was from a neighboring town and was not a pool regular. One of our other friends had left our "circle" to talk to someone else she knew. As we continued to speak to the woman she asked us a question about new land development in the town. No one knew the answer as it was in the very early stages. As a joke, we said that if anyone had the information, the woman who just swam away did. She is the eyes of the town. She knows the business owners by name. I am living here 36 years and do not know the name of the kosher butcher or bagel store owner. The new lady paddled over to the town busy body and we heard her ask about the land development. Within one moment, she was informed about the specifications of the buildings and given the developer's name. How did she know this? The land was just sold two weeks ago.  Isn't it amazing how some people make it their business to know the town gossip.

Wired

 Years ago when you plugged an appliance in, you were connected. Now even though it is plugged in, you do not know whether or not you are directly connected. We have three computers in work that are in the front office. We always thought that they were hardwired into the system because there is a wire connected. Yesterday I found out that somehow even though there is a wire, we are connected wirelessly and that is why our network is moving so slowly. We have no idea how it jumped from wired to wireless. All I know is that it will cost $280 to have it put back the way it should be. I just wonder how it got knocked off.

Semantics

I have been "negotiating" with Hewlett Packard over a broken work printer. I bought it 5 months ago and it has been giving us trouble since we bought it. I have a one year manufacturer's warranty and purchased a second extended warranty. I called Staples and they said to call the extended carrier. I called them and they said to call HP. I called HP and they did internal diagnostics. After an hour, the printer worked again but the next day it was erratic. I called HP to tell them that it was not working. The first rep told me all they could do was try again. I asked for a supervisor. The supervisor said I could get a refurbished unit in exchange. I said I wanted a new one. Mine was only 5 months old and on a one year manufacturers warranty. He said refurbished was "new". I said refurbished was someone else's broken model that had been worked on. If I wanted a refurbished printer I would have bought one in the beginning for half the price. He then said that the warranty says they will send refurbished. I told him to email the wording to me. When I read it, it said "either a new or a refurbished replacement". I read the wording to him and then said that I am choosing the "new" option. He had no rebuttal. The case is now kicked up to the corporate office and I will get a call within 2 days. 

The Bee

I stung a bee yesterday. That's right. I stung the bee. I was sitting at the pool and put my hand down on the chair rail. I did not see the bee that was silently sitting on it. My finger hit its stinger. I think I frightened it because it quickly flew away. The stinger was not in my finger, it just brushed it. It was enough though to make it throb. Thankfully, I am not allergic. I had never been stung before, so I was lucky. It still hurts this morning. What an odd thing to happen.

Exhausted

I got up late this morning. It was just 2 minutes late but I am 2 minutes off schedule. All night, I had weird dreams. I was chased by a polar bear in Brooklyn. I swam in a pool at an office building. I hiked through a local park trying to find my way home. I have no idea what these dreams meant. The polar bear segment woke me up with my heart pounding. The swimming segment was very nice as the water was warm. The walk was also pleasant. All I know is that it is the beginning of the day and all I want to do is go back to sleep.

Winding Down

Summer is winding down. People are already taking about the holidays. I have already begun to buy paper goods for the dinner I will be having. The past few days have a different feel to them. The air feels different. As much as I love summer, I look forward to autumn.

Weeks End

I am back on Long Island after spending the night in Brooklyn with my father. Since my sister has been on vacation, I had full custody of my dad. It was easier for me to sleep at his house last night and this evening I will bring him to my sister's house to sleep. By the time he wakes up, she will be home. It was quality time alone, just me and my dad. Priceless.

Clean Up Woman

I continue to be everyones clean up woman. I mop up other people's messes and solve their problems. Sometimes the problems are so absurd that I shake my head. Yesterday in work one of the psychiatrists called me into his office. He is a nice man in his 60's. His printer stopped working and he needed help. I asked what the problem was and he said there was a paper jam. I asked if he cleared it and he said that he took out the paper tray and it looked fine. I asked if he checked the back door of the printer and he said he did not. I leaned over, opened the back panel and pulled out a sheet of paper. Voila! The problem was fixed. What if I was not in the office? Would things come to a halt? I still cannot believe that I had to fix a paper jam in the office of a brilliant doctor.

Getting Things Done

There are people who get things done and people who talk about getting things done. For the last 9 weeks there has been a broken light in the waiting room of my office. The new maintenance man (boy), keeps saying he ordered the part and is waiting for it. He is new on the job and a bit of a weirdo. He has already taken off a day of work from a panic attack. This week he is off on his honeymoon so I called the condo company and demanded that my light be fixed immediately. They sent over the covering man and he assessed the problem. Within ten minutes he had the part, which he took from another empty office and the repair was done. If he could fix the problem why couldn't the other guy? From now on, I will have repairs done that day or there will be a big problem.

Food Critic

Yesterday we had a luncheon provided by a medical supply company. They catered in a Mediterranean meal. There was salad, hummus, grilled chicken, pulled beef, buttered rice and grilled vegetables. My long time receptionist is an opinionated woman who thinks that whatever she says is correct. When the food was served, the front office people took theirs first. Everything was delicious. When the doctors walked in to take their lunch, the receptionist yelled out, "The food is sh*t". I could only eat the salad and hummus". What? I then said that I thought the food was great. The doctors all took food and agreed that it was fantastic. They came back for seconds and some people for thirds. The receptionist kept saying how horrible the food was to everyone that walked into the room. That type of opinion is what is very concerning when a food critic reviews a restaurant. What one person feels is 1 star, another feels is 5 star. I hope there were leftovers for lunch today.

Remotely Helping

My printer at work has been having trouble. I have tried my best to fix it but the problem keeps returning. Yesterday I called Hewlett Packard to have it fixed. I was transferred to two people. Each of them was hard to understand. I was straining to hear their directions. After a while it became annoying. I need the printer fixed as my office cannot run without it. It is only five months old so this should not be happening. The tech tried to help and the problem is better but not fixed. After a while I just gave up because the language barrier was to hard. I asked the tech what country he was in and he said Costa Rica. That explained things. If Hewlett Packard is an American company based in California, why is their tech help in Costa Rica?

Cool Down

For the first time in a few weeks, the weather is cool. After a very long heat wave the cooler air seems so refreshing. I spent yesterday inside my house spending quality time with my father. There was nowhere to go and the weather was not nice so we sat in my living room reminiscing. It felt so relaxing. Since there was no time schedule we just went with the flow. I totally enjoyed the day.

Re(J)union

Last night was a family reunion. We went to the city to meet relatives that I had not seen in 28 years. It was a mending of a family that fell apart for various reasons. People, lifestyles and events all had a hand in the slow demise of this family unit. Looking back we can see clearer who the superheroes were and who the villains were. At the time, we only saw the villains. Our eyes had aged but their clarity was sharper. We walked into the restaurant and saw the familiar faces from times gone by. They looked frozen in time. Like they never aged. It was a warm loving feeling from the moment we hugged and kissed. We showed pictures of the new arrivals and spoke about the cousins that are now senior citizens like us. The conversation flowed and we promised to never stay apart again. I invited them for Rosh Hashanah and they accepted. Twenty eight years ago we said we would never speak to them again. The lesson is to never say never.

In The Moment

I am trying to live in the moment. This is the philosophy of Buddha. If you dwell on the past and worry about the future, you will have stress in your life. It is unrealistic to not think about things that have been done or things that will happen next. The idea is not to dwell or worry. Be engaged in the moment. If you are with people, enjoy the conversation. If you are eating, taste each bite. Give time to the things at hand. That is the problem with most people. We are always trying to be a step ahead. I just read an article about how the brain works. While many people think that multitasking is a good thing, it is actually detrimental to your brain.Your brain cannot do two things at one. The best it can do is flip from one thing to another. Each task actually takes longer and increases stress levels. I am making a concerted effort to change the way I live. It is not easy.

Aretha

Aretha Franklin died yesterday. I cried. I am not a fan of celebrities. I have no favorite actors. If I saw one on the street I would walk by unfazed. They are just people who do their job. To me, Aretha was different. Since my mother passed away, one of her songs holds a special place in my heart. So much so, that I have the title engraved on a charm and wear it on my bracelet. It started off as a freakish thing. The song repetitively played at special moments during the first month my mother was gone. It was as if she was letting me know she was in heaven and doing well. I know this sounds odd, but whomever I tell the circumstances to, agrees. Some things cannot be explained. They just "are". We need to take them at face value and not overthink them. Aretha Franklin's voice brought joy to many people and she will be missed. I pray that she rests in peace.

Questionable Judgement

On Tuesday my office had a pharmaceutical rep visit to give a lecture. Whenever a rep visits they provide lunch. This one went above and beyond. He brought salad, stuffed chicken, eggplant, penne pasta with vegetables and garlic knots. Each dish was in a large tray. When I left, it was still out for everyone to have more. When I got to work the next day, the salad and pasta were still on the counter. I threw them away. When my boss came in, I told her that the food was left overnight. She said that she and the evening receptionist decided that salad and pasta could stay overnight and be fine to eat the next day. I looked at her as if she was crazy. Isn't salad in the refrigerated section of the grocery store? This salad also had grated cheese on it. Isn't cheese refrigerated? Couldn't pasta grow bacteria? Where has quality control gone?

Proof Read

I love to write but I am not good at proofreading my work. My sister has that role. I write and she corrects. I guess that is why she is a good teacher. I was riding home on the parkway yesterday when I noticed an overhead informational travel sign. As I glanced at it, it looked like it said, "Deejays on parkway". It was meant to say "delays" but the light bulbs on the sign were missing giving the illusion of the word "Deejay". For a fleeting moment, I envisioned people dancing on the Northern State Parkway. It was just the opposite. The people were standing still.

Rainy Ride

The cloud that followed us up to the Cape followed us back home. For six hours the rain came pounding down. We saw five accidents. One Porsche was totally demolished and one pick up truck was on its side. At one point, the left lane was riding on the grass shoulder and the right lane was on the other grass shoulder as the fire trucks and police trucks rode down the middle opening. I had never seen anything like that before in all the years that I have traveled. Slowly but surely we inched our way home. By the time we got here, we were exhausted. If I had to do it all over again, I would, since the ride was worth it. Seeing my granddaughters is worth anything.

Heading Home

After a great visit, we will be heading home. We spent last night with the girls, eating and playing. By the end of the night, I was exhausted while they still were packed full of energy. They sang, danced, ran around and giggled. Now that the baby talks, we can bond even more with her. She knows who we are and even runs to us. In a few hours I will have to kiss them goodbye and have the sad feeling of parting with them. Skyping will have to tide me over until I can hold them again.

Rainy Cape

We drove for six hours in the rain and finally arrived in Cape Cod. My granddaughters were waiting for me at the small beach. I threw my bags into the room and went to play. Nothing is more fun than sitting in the sand playing with children. We made houses and sand soup. We drove a few towns down the road to eat dinner on the pier. We then roasted marshmallows on the fire pit. It was a wonderful first day.

Grandparent's Weekend

This weekend is the annual Grandparent's weekend. For some reason every year the weather is rainy. We manage to get one day out of the three with sunshine. The trip is always the same and I like that. We go to the same resort, eat the same food and swim in the same pool. The only real difference is that the girls get bigger each year. This year I am looking forward to speaking to my younger granddaughter. Last year she was not talking yet. The ride is long, but goes by fast. In one hour we will be on the road.

Prep Time

It is 7am and I already have dinner ready to pop into the oven. Today is "Daddy Friday". Every Friday I drive to Brooklyn to get my father and bring him to Long Island for the weekend. It is a shared custody situation. I have him Friday evening and turn him over to my sister late Friday night. She enjoys his company Saturday. Sunday she has morning shift, we share afternoon shift and I drive him back to Brooklyn in the evening. It is a good plan. Tonight I wanted to make something different for dinner but did not know if I would have enough prep time after the Brooklyn drive. I prepped the dinner now and will cook it later. I made a Chicken Shepard's Pie. I hope it tastes good.

Country Mouse

There are city mice and there are country mice. I am a country mouse. I like to live a quiet life. I am not a person that likes to run around. I do not need to be surrounded by people at all times. I love doing things and going places, but I like to space it out. Quiet time at home suits me the best. I do not have hundreds of friends and would rather limit my friendships to only a few people. We were having this discussion in work last week. It turns out that in my office, there were more country mice than city mice. I guess that is why we all get along so well.

The Difference

Is there a difference between not wanting to live and feeling that you have lived enough? Is there a difference between giving up and giving in? I think there is. I realized that most of my friends, like myself, have been blessed with parents that have had a long life. Some of them are in their late 90's. With age comes illness and when it gets to the point of a future without a quality of life, is the lifetime they have lived enough? I think that each person determines that for themselves but I am seeing that for many people, "enough is enough". When a very elderly person says that they feel it is their time to go, they are looking at life from a level that no one else can fully understand, unless you are living it. We need to respect that.

The Truth

I remember my mother saying, "I am old. I can say what I want to". By that, she meant she could speak the truth. It was always said in a pleasant tone and a positive way, but it was still the truth. As I get older I not only see what she meant, but I am living it. Over the weekend there was a nasty confrontation at the town pool that involved people I know. Yesterday the story was being recounted by the woman who started it. The problem was that she was telling a biased story. I never would have interfered but she asked me to back up her version of the incident. I did not agree with her so I told the version that I saw. I spoke the truth. She was saying that the young girls she fought with started the fight. I said she did. She said they were nasty but I said she was the aggressor. I told her that I was telling the truth to help her. If she continues to fight with strangers, she will get hurt. By the end of the conversation she admitted that she and her daughter were the first ones to antagonize the other people. My mother was right. I am old. I can say what I want to.

New People

This summer a new couple started to go to the pool. They had been there for two seasons but our group never spoke to them. This year the ice was broken and they are now included into the group. The woman that brought them in and initially spoke to them is our "camp friend". She is someone who we socialize with for the summer, but never in the winter. It is because her behavior is erratic. Yesterday her behavior went from erratic to appalling and she was almost thrown out of the pool for starting an alteration with some young girls. The new couple is now gravitating away from her and staying more with the "normal" people. They are lovely people and smart enough to spot trouble.

Brainstorming

I have been working on a jewelry project for the past few weeks. I know how I want it to look but I cannot find the right way to do it. I am working with a tiny space that I want to fill with something pretty. It is almost like a vase carved into a glass locket. My grandson has been working on it with me. Every day he asks how far I have gotten in the "workshop". I am at a standstill, so I have put it to the side for a few days until another idea comes to me. Last night at dinner, he asked me again, how the project was going. I said I still had a problem. He then made a wonderful suggestion about tiny beads. I could see that he had thought it out and was very specific to the type of bead he thinks would be good. He is right. He sized up the problem and offered a viable solution. I was brainstorming with a five year old and he was better at it than I was.

Cloudy Day

Years ago one of my aunts who lived in Florida used to say that when she got up on certain days she would say, "Oh shit, another sunny day". In the summer time, I know what she meant. When the sun is out, you feel like you have to do something productive. You cannot sit inside when it is beautiful outside. If you do, you have wasted the day. When you wake up to clouds, the day is yours to spend however you like. No pressure. If you want to lounge around in your pajamas, it's ok. If you want to watch television all day, that's fine too. Today it is cloudy. I will take a ride to Brooklyn to get my father. I do not have to take him to the pool. The day is open to do whatever he wants to do. He can choose to be inside or outside. Whatever he wants is what we will do. The sunshine will not rule us.

The Numbers

I never look at the statistics of this blog. I get up every morning, write it and continue on with the day. My sister proofreads it, since when I write it my eyes will not pick up errors. I will read them as correct. This morning I checked the page views and was very surprised. There were over 100,000 reads. I had no idea. There used to be an app on the page that said what country people were viewing from, but that ended last year. I remember years ago when I was only hoping to reach 100 reads. That was my milestone. I could never have imagined 100,000.

Umami

In recent years a new flavor sense has emerged. It is called Umami. It is not sweet, salty, sour or bitter. It is defined as savory, whatever that means. There should be a new name for emotions. I will name it Blech. It is not happy, sad, angry, fearful, joyous or excited. We have all felt this emotion but have never had a name for it. Someone asks us how we feel and we say "I don't know". You just can't pinpoint what is going on. That is where Blech comes in. It is the Umami of emotion.

Time Management

If people spent as much time doing the job, instead of wasting it talking about why they cannot do the job, things would get done. We have a new maintenance man at work. I should say maintenance kid. He is in his mid twenties with little experience. He is the son of the management company's supervisor so that is why he was hired. He explains every job that he does for us, step by step as he does it, as if he wants us to know that he is doing it right. This doubles the time he spends at the job making his day longer and harder to handle. There was a ceiling leak last week and the ceiling tile needed to be replaced. On Monday, the kid came in to explain that he was very busy at the building across the street so the tile could not be replaced until Tuesday. I said okay. Yesterday he came in to the office to say that the tile would not be replaced until Wednesday as he was still very busy with problems across the street. I told him that in the time he spent for two days telling me what he cannot do, he could have done it. I also said that he was going to replace the tile now. No more procrastinating. He looked like a scared rabbit. He left the office, got the tile and put it up, all within five minutes. Job done and hopefully a lesson learned. 

The Casserole

Yesterday I received a pamphlet in the mail. It was from the Visiting Nurse Service. Their hospice team took care of my mother during her last weeks. They timed the mailing for the month after her passing. They knew that by this time things would be calmer and it would be read. I usually toss these types of booklets directly into the trash, but I read this one. I was glad I did. It was about grieving. It said that grieving begins when the last casserole is finished. It said that grieving begins when the feeling of, "I am so relieved it is over", turns into, "Why did it have to end". That is where my father is stuck. It is the place he must be until he moves to the next phase. He is a strong person and when he is ready, he will enter the next phase easily. We will not push him. He must go at his own speed.