Heartbreak

My receptionist's mother is in the hospital. She is 91 and has dementia. It is only a matter of time until she is gone. When my receptionist came to work yesterday, I could see that her heart was breaking. I know the feeling. You walk the fine line between wishing they would come home and realizing that there is no longer a quality of life to come home to. You want them to live and die, all at the same time. You want to have them as they were, not as they are and that is never going to be. I sat and cried with her yesterday morning. I cried for her and I cried for myself. I still miss my mother and that emotion will never wane. Last night my mother came to me in my dream. She was dressed so beautifully, as she always was. We were going out to lunch. She was walking without a walker. We held hands. It was such a nice visit. I ask myself, did I dream about her or did she come back to comfort me? I believe the latter.

Good Memory

Yesterday I went to a new fast food restaurant to get dinner. Poke has become my favorite food. Every neighborhood now has a few stores. There is one around the corner from my house. The first time I went there was about a month ago. When I walked in I was greeted by a nice young man that welcomed me. When I walked in yesterday, he was there again. Maybe he is the owner. He said welcome back. At first I thought he said that to everyone. Then he said, "You are here for the second time". That was specific. That meant that he knew his customers. I will go there again because the food was good and it is nice to be valued.

Going Fishing

I decided to join the many people that take fish oil supplements. They say that it brings down their cholesterol levels in a natural way. It is also supposed to erase belly fat. I have been taking it for two weeks and it is too soon to see result. I will still use it for at lease three months and see the value.

Penny Wise, Pita Foolish

Today is our annual holiday work party. We could not find a good date to have it in December, so it was pushed off until now. It should have been pushed off until next December. We used to have a pot luck luncheon, but no one wants to cook anymore. We decided to collect $10 each and cater in. We wanted to have Greek food and that is where the problem began. Last week I called a local Greek restaurant and figured out the menu. I only had $130 to work with and managed to stay exactly within the budget. We would buy our own salad, soda and hummus from the supermarket. Yesterday I called the place to formalize the order. I spoke to the owner and he said the pita bread was not included. I said that I was told it was. He said it would be $20. I said that if I spent $20 on pita bread I could not order the food. He said he had to charge. I said goodbye. Next I called another place that told me they would take the order, price it out on an "Excel spread sheet" and get back to me with the quote. I am ordering meat and potatoes. That does not call for a spreadsheet. After four more calls I finally got a nice guy who worked with me and even said the three magic words, "Cash no tax". Hopefully, it will taste good.

First Day

This afternoon my new receptionist starts. I told her to arrive at 1:30 and hopefully she shows up. Over the years, I have had people accept the job but never come on the first day. It is like being stood up on the first date. You know you are better off without them, but it still feels bad. I am hopeful that this girl will stay and thrive.

Red

Red is a scary color. It says "look at me and pay attention". Yesterday my husband's eBay account had a message in red. It was about a transaction that was already settled but eBay did not know that. The message provoked fear in my husband. He could not believe that red appeared on his account. He has seen black and yellow, but never red. He was almost frantic. I told him that eBay was not going to send out the internet police so he was safe. Within an hour, the red was gone, but he has been scarred for life.

New Project

I have begun a new project. I am taking all of my life coaching lectures and compiling them into one manual. As I do this, I am adding to them. Somehow it is turning into a book. The more I write, the more I think. The more I think, the more I evaluate life. I thought the lectures were complete years ago, but I see that life continues and I am always learning not only about the world, but also about myself.

Live in the Moment

Living in the moment is the way everyone should live. It means to be there in the present and not worry about things that might never happen. The best way to explain the concept of "living in the moment", is by looking at the weather reports. Every Friday, I drive to Brooklyn to pick up my father for the weekend. Just for curiosity, I look at the five day weather report to see if it will be raining or snowing. Every week it is the same scenario. I see rain and snow for Friday and Sunday. If I was a worrier, I would have anxiety until Friday, thinking that I would be driving in bad weather. When Friday actually gets here, the weather is never as the report says. Today should have been rainy, but I look outside to beautiful sunshine.

Reverse Instincts

I went against my normal instincts and hired a new receptionist yesterday. I decided to limit the number of people I called for interviews and started off with two. One was yesterday and one was supposed to be today. The girl from yesterday arrived on time and was very nice. My usual routine would be to interview the other candidate and then make a decision. I learned over the years that people are unreliable when it comes to interviewing. The woman scheduled for today was an older woman and seemed so sincere about wanting the job. On the spur of the moment I hired the young girl. I figured that I could interview the second candidate this morning and if she was good, I could keep her resume for another opening. She did not have to know the job was already filled. Last night my office called me to say that the woman I was supposed to see today cancelled the interview. It was nice of her to call and just not show up. In the end, I made the right decision.

Diane

I put an ad online for a part time receptionist. Within one hour, I received many responses. Normally there are very varied names ranging from some I am familiar with, to those I have never heard before. Some of them are not clear as being male or female. Yesterday was different. There were three separate resumes from women named Diane. How random. The name Diane gave me clues to who the person is. It means she is an American, born sometime between 1940 and 1970. It means this is not her first job. It means she has old fashioned values. I called the "Diane's" and have interviews for today and tomorrow. I hope one of them becomes "my Diane".

Drawing Board

I am back to the drawing board. One of my receptionists has to limit her work hours, so I must start the search for a replacement. Things were running smoothly for a year, so I was lucky. This morning I will post a new ad and hope for the best.

Coney Island

Yesterday was Sunday and my usual routine is driving my father back to Brooklyn. For some reason, he was very sad when I picked him up. We sat and talked for a while and he started to cry. He was reminiscing about things he and my mother did. They loved to take drives around Brooklyn. He would drive and whistle a tune. My mother would look out of the car window and comment on the nice houses and busy streets. They did this a few times a week for 65 years. It was their form of relaxation. He began to talk about Coney Island. First he told me stories of when he was a child and he and my grandmother went on the Wonder Wheel. He loved the part when they got to the top as it felt like the top of the world. He said someone had told him that the Wonder Wheel and Cyclone were now gone. I told him they were still there. As he continued telling me stories, I asked him if he would like to go to Coney Island today. His eyes lit up and he said he would love to. We got in the car and drove home, but instead of getting off at the usual exit we continued on to Coney Island. We drove down the main street and he saw the Wonder Wheel, the Cyclone, the Freak Show buildings and Nathan's hot dogs. He was thrilled and told me even more stories with the excitement of a child. He then wanted to go along the same ride that he and my mother did for years. He directed me up and down streets that I never knew existed. Then he guided me back to his house. I could feel the happiness in his soul. He said he felt like he was on vacation, doing something different. I was so glad that I could give him these few minutes of pure pleasure. I know my mother was riding with us.

Destination

My phone knows where I am going. If I ever forget my routine, as soon as I turn on my phone I am told where to go. It is a scary thing to know that we really are being tracked. Monday through Thursday, my phone gives me the address of my office and tells me how long it will take to get there. Friday it informs me of the dialysis center. Saturday is a free day since it never knows where I will be as I have no Saturday routine. Sunday it will display my father's address and how many minutes until I get there. Technology is tracking us. I do not like that.

Virtual Visits

I love virtual visits. FaceTime is one of the best features of the internet. The only people I FaceTime with are my grandchildren. Two of my grandchildren live 1/2 mile away. The other two live 230 miles away. When we FaceTime, it feels like I am in the same room with them and the distance is equaled out. It helps me grow a bond that years ago would have never been. While the telephone is nice, seeing them in real life is better. I can see them smile and laugh and they can show me their dolls and their rooms. I am a real person and not just a voice. For all of the ways that the internet can destroy relationships, FaceTime with family can build them.

My Own Touch

I like things to be one of a kind. I need to put my own touch on certain items to make them "mine". I waited two weeks for a special bracelet to arrive in the mail. The first thing I did was take it apart. Unless I redo it my own way, it will never feel right. This morning I will restring it my own way so when I put it on it will be perfect.

On Sale

Is there such a thing as "on sale"? I think a better term would be "less profit". If an item can be sold on Monday for $10, Tuesday for $7 and then on Wednesday for $10 again, it means the value is probably about $3. A company never sells at a loss unless they are liquidating. A sale means they want to move the item out of the store and make room for another one. I was watching the Jewelry Channel last night and they were showcasing a ring. The price was $599 on sale for $349. Then the designer wrote a number on a paper and showed the host. After a minute or two of pretend arguing, he showed the paper and his price said $197. The host looked shocked and they continued to "bicker" about the new price. Finally the host gave in and said that since the designer said the price on air she would have to sell it at that price. Really? Those two deserved an Academy Award. It looked so staged but I am sure that people fell for it. To me, it means the ring's value is $75 and that the so called original price of $599 was almost robbery.

Younger Generation

My husband's surgery went well. He is becoming a professional patient. This was his sixth surgery this year and he has one more to go in six weeks. Overall he is quite healthy, as funny as that sounds. Each doctor seems younger than the next one. We do not ask their age as that would be rude but we try to guess if they are younger than our sons. My sister in law has a theory that once you become older, never use a doctor older than yourself. Only use young ones. That way they won't retire (or die) before you. I told that to the young doctor yesterday and he loved it. He totally agreed and then added that the younger ones are trained more aggressively in the newer methods. If my husband gets sick again, I will go to the local nursery school and choose his next doctor.

Touch Up

My husband is having knee surgery later this morning. I am calling it an "extremity touch up". He has had a few procedures this year and this one seems the least invasive. The funny thing is that I have no idea who the doctor is and my husband only met him once. Years ago there was a long standing relationship before you let someone cut into your body. Now there is one "meet and greet" and you put your life into the hands of someone you spoke to for 4 minutes.

Routines

I like routines because they allow me to not think about an extra thing. My breakfast is always a routine. I eat one thing for months at a time until I decide to change. For many months I made a matcha smoothie. One day I decided to have something else and once that routine was broken it was a free for all. Now I needed to think about what to eat every morning. Today I decided to phase in the smoothie again. It tasted as good as it used to. It will stay in the routine until further notice, making my mornings run a lot easier.

Man vs Beast

Man and animals have many of the same qualities. Their goal is survival. Animals do it in a more instinctive way. Man does it in a way that could be positive or destructive. Animals know that health and well being are the keys to survival. Man sometimes puts that a few notches down on his list. If there was a table set out with money on one side and food on the other, the animal would first get the food to make him physically strong. Man would see those two things and run for the money first without thinking about his physical well being. Even if he lived in a world where money was not that necessary, he would still chose the option that leads to temptation rather than the one that leads to a strong survival.

Loose Ends

I got up early this morning and decided to tie up all of my loose ends. Most people have a laundry list. I had two. I needed to pay one bill online and label two bags that I am donating to charity. I did both of those tasks in three minutes and now have the rest of the day to spend with my father, worry free. I do not know how people can procrastinate. Just knowing I had two things to do, made me feel like I had unfinished business. I like a clean slate in order to feel free.

Identity

At what age do we know our identity? I remember years ago when my son sent me a video of my oldest granddaughter saying her full name. I still have that video. It was the cutest thing. Last night my other son sent me a video of my youngest granddaughter saying her full name. He asked her what her name was and she answered as clear as a bell. She knows who she is. She said the names of her brother and parents. She is learning the concept of identity. It is a sense of belonging. It was only a few words, but hearing those words made me see just how fast she is growing up.

Who Are They?

This morning I was online reading the Yahoo news stories. I like a good laugh to begin my day. Some of the stories are so absurd that I cannot imagine who writes them. After a few words I stop reading. I do not want to waste my cataract lenses on foolishness. This morning I saw that a couple was getting a divorce. I have no idea who they are or why the made Yahoo news. How does this effect my life? I skipped to the next article and just stopped reading. I decided that talking to Shelby was a more intelligent way to spend my time.

Tuna Dilemma

Yesterday one of the doctors had a lunch "situation". His wife made him a tuna fish sandwich and told him to refrigerate it. He forgot. When it came time for lunch, he did not know if he should eat it. His wife's rule is that if a tuna sandwich is not refrigerated, it has to be eaten in three hours. It was now five hours. He came up to the front office for "counseling". Since we are a bit older than him, we recounted tales of bringing food to high school and having it sit in a locker for hours on end. By the time you ate your tuna sandwich, there was a wet spot in the center of the bread where the mayo had soaked through. We all lived and in fact prospered. Those were the days. Most of the office decided that five hours was a safe time frame. I asked him to recall the days after Hurricane Sandy and how people ate food that was a week old and lived to tell the tale. He ate it and had no problem.

Blurry Eyes

I went to the eye doctor yesterday for my annual check up. Everything was fine. As I left the office and got back into my car to drive home, I realized that I could not see. My eyes had been dilated and life was a blur. I put on sunglasses to alleviate the blaring brightness and drove home slowly in the right lane. If this happens to me it must happen to everyone. People are driving half blind every day. If they make drops to dilate, why can't they make drops to undilate? This was a very unsafe situation. Good thing I was not pulled over by the police or in an accident.

IT(hink) Department

I am the IT(hink) department at work. Most weeks are slow, but last week was busy. Thursday, one of the doctors called me into his office. His search engine was set on Bing instead of Google. Can I fix it? Of course I can. I went to settings, options, search engines and set Google as the default. Crisis averted. An hour later he called me back into his office. His new computer crashed. He looked devastated. I took a moment to assess the situation. The screen was blank. The computer was not on but the clock on the desk was also off. Now it was time for the IT(hink) department to swing into action. If nothing is on, it means there is no electrical connection. I looked under his desk and saw that the surge protector was off. Upon further examination, I saw that the surge protector was no longer plugged into the wall. His foot must have dislodged it. I plugged it back in and like magic everything lit up and turned on. The IT(hink) department came through again.

One Minute

At one time or another we have all said, "One minute", Give me a minute", or "In a minute". Have any of us ever "taken a minute" for ourselves? One minute to have our own personal space with our own thoughts. Even better, one minute without any thoughts. I have decided to give myself "The gift of a minute". At least twice ever day, I will separate myself from the world for a minute. I can do this anywhere I am. I can sit down, close my eyes and focus on nothing. It is not an easy thing to do because our minds are so full of nonsense. I did this yesterday and timed the minute. It seemed very long. I actually peeked at my watch two times to see if the timer was broken. Once I realized that a minute alone is a very long time, I went with the flow. This is a learning process and I will give it time to become a natural part of my day. It will be worth it.

Behind the Scenes

Yesterday my boss was on television. She had a segment on the news explaining mental illness. She had been on this channel a few months ago also. She was interviewed by a famous newscaster. He has been calling our office to set things up and we are less excited than we previously were when we see his caller ID. I watched the show with my father. He knows I have been running her office for almost 17 years. As I was telling this to my father, I realized that my boss has a strong team behind the scenes. I thought of all of the things that I do to hold her office together, from the mundane to the critical. No one knows our names or faces and that is fine. We just do our jobs.

Human Reaction

We are all human beings no matter what our job is. In the moment, we all react on instinct. This week there has been a lot of press on the Pope slapping a woman's hand. Being the Pope does not supersede being human. A woman grabbed his hand and would not let go. He tried to pull away but she obviously had a tight grip. His security was not quick enough to remedy the problem. His instinct kicked in and he slapped her hand to get his loose. Why is he being criticized? He is entitled to have his hand back, even if his position as Pope calls for understanding and compassion. She was wrong and he was right. Leave the man alone.

Senior Diet

I woke up this morning with an ache in my upper leg. I am not sure if it is my hip. I hobbled down the stairs to get ready for work. I lined up my food for breakfast and lunch and realized that I am not only feeling old, I am eating old. Breakfast is a bowl of raisin bran with a sliced banana. Lunch is a bowl of soup. That is a senior citizen's diet. Dinner will be chicken with a plate of "lokshen" (noodles in Yiddish). My diet is reflecting my age and I don't know how this happened.

1/1/2020

It is the first day of the first month of an eye opening year. Twenty twenty not only represents the date on the calendar. Hopefully it will also represent the day people open their eyes and clearly see life. Human nature has hard wired us to see what is comforting and beneficial to ourselves. It is not easy to see from all angles. A panoramic view is more complicated. Most people see in tunnel vision. Maybe 2020 will wake us up to the fact that there is a 360 degree world around us. We need to look at the total scope of life. We must see things from other points of view and adjust the lens if necessary. Being shortsighted never works. Take the time to see how you affect others with your actions. Look at their perspective and honestly evaluate. Look at yourself and evaluate. See the picture clearly with 20/20 vision.