The Void

I am adjusting to everyday life without my mother but there are still times when the void is so apparent it hurts. Yesterday was one of those times. Whenever I went to a party, my mother would wait for me to come home to "tell her everything". I was the reporter. My sister would tell her that everything was great but I would give her a blow by blow rundown of the day. Yesterday was my niece's bridal shower. It was a beautiful day. When I came home, I had fleeting moment when I almost reached for the phone to call my mother. Then it hit me like a lightening bolt. Mommy is gone. I so badly wanted to tell her that my niece looked beautiful in her pink flowered dress. I wanted to say that I saw all of my sister in law's friends and that they made me feel like I had just seen them yesterday. I wanted to go over the menu and say that I not only had one wrap but I paired it with a bagel and lox. I wanted to tell her about all of the beautiful gifts and that I was the one that kept the list as they were opened. We would both laugh when I told her that I hoped I did not mix things up. I would finish the conversation with each dessert that was served, as my mother loved dessert. Maybe by writing my thoughts down now, I am telling her in a way that is not tangible. I still feel that she is with me and for all I know, she was there with us.